The Song Sings Itself
by KissingChaos
Summary: Slash. Ryan&Seth. He was right. It had been great for ideas. (Completed)
1. Transatlanticism

This is my first attempt at fanfic, ever. Please read and review. And thanks to my awesome beta, amani, and David. I love you kids! 

Ah, the disclaimer: I don't own anything. I don't even own a car. I have a dog, but she kinda owns me, and I doubt you'd want her anyway, so no suing. I'm just a girl who loves the HoYay!

Also, if you'll note, in the summary line it mentions that it's Seth/Ryan slash. So, if that's not your thing, don't read it. No worries. 

__

the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row  
it seems farther than ever before  
oh no.

i need you so much closer

--"Transatlanticism" Death Cab for Cutie

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"I don't dance."

Ryan's face was serious.

"Dude, it's Prom. Marissa's going to expect you to dance. It's what you do at Prom. That, and drink watered down fruit punch from what I will assume is going to be a fountain, and get your picture taken in front of 80 yards of tulle, at least 43 balloons, and depending on the theme, either a fireplace or columns. My money is on colum—"

"Seth." Ryan's voice was still serious, but there was a small smile at the corners of his mouth. He knew this particular rant could go on for a while. Seth was never at a loss for words when it came to mocking high school traditions. Well, Seth was really never at a loss for words. 

"I don't dance. Ever."

"Ry, the girls have their dresses. Hair appointments have been made. We have tickets, tuxes and corsages. The prom is tonight. In," Seth glanced at his watch "eight hours, as a matter of fact. I am not going without you, and Summer will kill me if we don't go, and I mean that in all seriousness. There's a chance we could all die. There's no way out of this."

Ryan looked defeated. "Seth—" he began again, but the lanky boy cut him off.

"Look, if you're seriously that freaked out about it, I can teach you some steps. It's not that big of a deal."

"I don't know…" Ryan trailed off, but Seth could tell he was seriously considering the offer. After a moment, Ryan nodded his head. "Fine. Go put on your dancing shoes."

Seth grinned. "Okay, I don't know exactly what kind of person you take me for, but I don't actually **own** dancing shoes. However, just let me run upstairs and grab an appropriate CD, and I'll be right back."

Seth flew out of the door of the poolhouse, and Ryan sat down on the edge of the bed. He had that feeling in the back of his chest, that fear, the dread of embarrassment that still haunted him after almost a year in Newport. He did not want Marissa to be disappointed at her Prom. Especially since she was social chair, and people would expect to see her dance. So, Ryan would learn to dance, even if it meant dancing with Seth. Suddenly, the image of he and Seth slow dancing in a crepe-paper filled gym leapt into his mind, and Ryan felt his heart lurch. His eyes flew open just time to see Seth bound back into the poolhouse. 

If Seth noticed the strange look on Ryan's face, he didn't let on. "So, probably not surprisingly, I couldn't find anything in my CD collection that I could imagine they would ever play at Prom—which, I should add, fills my heart with pride—but, I found a slower song that I think will work." Seth walked over to the counter where Ryan's CD player sat. As he lifted the Death Cab CD out of its case, he noticed his palms were a little sweaty. Was he nervous? Why? He wasn't the best dancer in the world, but he had been to years of Cotillions and charity balls, and he was pretty sure he could teach Ryan the basics. And it's not like if he messed up Ryan would be mad. He couldn't figure out why he was so nervous, but his heart thumped a little faster than usual anyway. Setting the CD player to repeat number seven, he wiped his palms on his shorts and shook his head. 

As the first strains of "Transatlanticism" filled the room, Ryan began lowering the blinds on the windows that surrounded the room. For some reason, the idea of anyone walking in on their little dance lesson worried him. As he lowered the last blind and clicked the lock on the door, he noticed Seth watching him with interest. Ryan turned around, blushing, and muttered "I don't know how well this is going to go at first. I don't want an audience."

"Whatever, dude. Let's get this party started."

Ryan laughed quietly, and walked towards him. "So, um…"

"Well, obviously, since you're going to be dancing with Marissa, you will be the guy. Or, you know, yourself. Fortunately, and I never thought I'd say this, many of those years at Cotillion were spent dancing with the instructor while she taught the guys to dance, so I know all the girls' moves as well. I, therefore, will be Marissa, Except, you know, as a guy. Taller, with a more muscular physique." Seth moved quickly before Ryan had a chance to make a joke. He placed his left hand on Ryan's shoulder, and slid his right hand into Ryan's left. "Okay, you put your other hand on my hip, and do the opposite of what my feet do."

Ryan swallowed deliberately and placed his hand gingerly on Seth's hip. He felt his cheeks flush, hopefully unnoticeably. Seth tapped his fingers on Ryan's shoulder a few times, finding the beat, and Ryan focused on his feet. They began dancing, Ryan looking down, Seth mumbling instructions and guiding Ryan around the room. Ryan was surprised at how fluidly Seth moved, but realized he shouldn't be, really. Skateboarding and sailing both required an amazing amount of concentration and grace, and despite his gangly appearance, Seth was very graceful when the situation called for it. Graceful and beautiful, actually.

Did he just describe Seth as beautiful? Ryan jerked his head up, bumping into Seth's chin. "Ow!" Ryan pulled away quickly. "I'm sorry. Did you bite your tongue?"

"Yeth. Ith it bleething?" Seth stuck his tongue out for Ryan to inspect, making Ryan even more uncomfortable. What the hell was going on with him? He took another step back and shook his head, trying to physically expel any thoughts of Seth's tongue. 

"No, it's cool. I'm sorry. I just thought…I thought I'd messed up."

Seth rubbed his chin and shook his head. "No, you were doing really well, actually. I think you've almost got that one mastered. Let's try again."

Ryan's immediate reaction was to run. His second was to say_, "No, it's cool, thanks, man." _But an image of Marissa flashed in his mind, and he knew that this twenty-minute lesson was not going to be enough to get him through tonight. 

"Yeah. I was really doing okay?"

Seth nodded as he replaced his hand on Ryan's shoulder and pulled him a little closer. "Yeah. You're a natural."

Ryan smiled as his slid his hand into Seth's and placed his other a little more firmly on Seth's hip. "Thanks."

Seth tapped his fingers again, and they resumed their dance around the room. Ryan was watching his feet, but Seth was watching Ryan. He had never noticed how muscular Ryan's arms were. Well, that's not true, he had noticed. It was impossible not to notice, especially in comparison to his own long, thin arms. But it was like he was really seeing Ryan for the first time. His broad shoulders and his thick, strong arms. The skin on Ryan's shoulders was soft and dotted with freckles, something else Seth had never noticed before. He connected a few of the freckles with his fingertip absentmindedly before he suddenly became very aware of how close he and Ryan were. He froze mid-step, and Ryan's foot came down directly on his own. 

"Ow!" Seth lifted his foot instinctively, moving quickly away from Ryan.

"Seth, what happened? You just stopped."

Seth wondered if Ryan had noticed his little game of connect the dots. If he had, his eyes weren't betraying anything except for confusion and concern for Seth's foot. 

"Two injuries. I think that's a record for me in an hour." Seth hobbled over to the bed and sat down. 

"I accept full responsibility for hitting your chin, but your foot is all yours, man. Why'd you stop? Did I mess up?"

Seth shook his head, but he couldn't very well tell Ryan why he had frozen up. _"Sorry, dude, I just realized that were we less than five inches apart and I had spent the better part of twenty minutes admiring your muscular arms and all of a sudden found myself playing connect the dots on your broad shoulders and I keep using phrases like "muscular arms" and "broad shoulders" which is more than just a little minty and I kinda freaked and froze. Sorry."_

Yeah. That wasn't going to happen.

"Sorry, I just thought we should maybe try another dance, since you seem to have that one down. Evidently, however, that message didn't make it to my mouth before it made it to my feet." Seth stood. "So, wanna try the waltz?"

Ryan nodded. Seth took his hand, and Ryan felt his heart skip. Goosebumps trailed from his head to his feet, and before he could move away, Seth had already rested his hand on his shoulder. Seth noticed tiny little hairs stand up on Ryan's mus-- _arms_. His plain, boring arms. 

"Dude, are you cold? You wanna put a shirt on?"

Ryan looked up at Seth and blushed. He unexpectedly felt very exposed and vulnerable, standing there in his wifebeater and cargo shorts. He had never felt uncomfortable around Seth before, and he couldn't understand what was going on. But he desperately needed more clothes. Now. Maybe a parka. Or a snowsuit. 

"Yeah, that might not be a bad idea. Let me go throw another shirt on."

As Ryan walked to his closet, Seth felt like kicking himself. He plopped down on the edge of the bed. He knew he had embarrassed Ryan by calling attention to his goosebumps, and that wasn't his intention. His intention was to get Ryan to cover his shoulders so Seth could maybe regain some focus and end this dance lesson before things got any weirder. He wondered if Ryan could tell what he was thinking, if maybe he was psychic and had never told them, and had been spying on their thoughts the whole time. Or you know, not. He was being ridiculous. There was no way Ryan could have possibly known what Seth was thinking as he grazed his fingertips over the soft skin of Ryan's shoulders. No way he could know that Seth had been thinking about touching every inch of Ryan's arms, trailing down his biceps—Dude, what the hell? Ryan was practically his brother. Had he lost his freaking mind?

Seth squinted, shook his head and tried to focus on the music while he waited for Ryan to get a shirt. 

"I need you so much closer…" Seth's voiced surprised him as he sang along.

Suddenly, Ryan was standing in front of him, smiling slightly. "Really?"

Seth opened his eyes and looked up slowly. Ryan had chosen, much to Seth's dismay, a fitted black T-shirt that perfectly outlined every muscle in his torso. Seth made a silent commitment to never, ever say or think the word "muscle" again, especially in connection with Ryan. 

"Ryan, we've got a lot of stuff to do before Prom. Wanna just hurry up and get this over with so we can get ready?" Seth's voice came out a little more annoyed than he had intended, especially since it was himself that was being annoying. 

"Seth, if you don't wanna finish, that's cool. This was your idea. I'm just—" Ryan was the one who sounded annoyed now.

Seth stood up quickly. "No, I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm not being much help. I keep getting hurt, and apparently I suck that this more than I thought, and I'm beginning to think all that money was wasted."

Ryan put his hand on Seth's hip and smiled. "No, it's great. I really appreciate it. Just let me master this waltz and we'll get ready to go."

Seth licked his lips without thinking, and could swear he saw Ryan flinch a little at the move. He took Ryan's other hand in his and they began their dance again. Seth tried to focus on dancing instead of the soft cotton of Ryan's T-shirt and the shoulders beneath it. Eventually, Ryan caught on and they began moving in perfect rhythm, though Ryan was still looking down at his feet. Seth could smell Ryan's shampoo, and the clean laundry scent of his shirt, and something else that he couldn't quite place but that was just Ryan. He inhaled deeply, trying to keep the dance going along with the rhythm of the song instead of the rhythm of his heart pounding in his temples, steadily increasing. 

Ryan felt Seth's hand tighten its grip on his own. He was afraid to look up, afraid his eyes would betray him, afraid Seth would see something in him and would suddenly be able to read Ryan's thoughts. He was afraid that Seth would see how his stomach had jumped when he felt Seth's finger trace lazily across his shoulder, afraid Seth would see how embarrassed he was when Seth pointed out the goosebumps that his touch had caused, afraid that Seth would somehow be able to tell how his heart kinda flipped when he heard Seth sing about needing him closer, that he could almost swear Seth was talking to him, and before he could stop himself he had crossed the room and now they were dancing again. He was afraid Seth would freak out, run away, never get close to him again He couldn't even explain it to himself, he knew he would never be able to explain it to Seth. He was determined not to look up until they were a safer distance apart than five inches. But when Seth's hand traveled to the back of his neck and rested there, Ryan had to look up. 

Seth froze. Somehow, against his will, his hand had slid across Ryan's shoulder and was resting on the back of his neck. This time, however, Ryan had frozen with him, head down, feet unmoving. He might not have noticed the freckle touching, but there was no way he couldn't have noticed this. Seth tried to make a move, step away, put some distance between them, but he couldn't move. He tried to focus on the music and the top of Ryan's head, but something burned behind his eyes. And then, suddenly, Ryan was looking at him, staring into his eyes, and his throat caught. He couldn't quite place the look in Ryan's eyes, but he knew it wasn't anger, which is what he had been expecting. 

Ryan noticed the fear in Seth's eyes, and knew there must be fear in his own, but he wondered if his desire burned more brightly. He wondered if he was imagining that Seth's eyes burned, too, with something other than fear. And he wondered why neither of them were making any move to separate themselves. 

The music floated around them, the only thing in the room not to have stopped, assuring Seth that he had not passed out or fallen asleep standing up. He really was standing in the poolhouse, dancing with Ryan, his hand resting on the back of Ryan's neck, heart pounding, unable to move. 

Ryan knew that if he didn't act now, he would never get this chance again. Risking everything, mustering all the courage he could manage, his voice sang out quietly.

"I need you so much closer."

It was barely a whisper, if you could sing in a whisper, but the words slammed into Seth's head and whirled around quickly as he felt Ryan's grasp on his hip tighten and Ryan pull him closer. Seth closed his eyes.

When his lips first touched Ryan's, he felt his knees buckle slightly, and wrapped his other arm around Ryan's shoulders for support. 

When Ryan's lips first touched Seth's, he could swear his heart exploded in his chest. The pounding in his head was almost audible. 

And then, the knock at the door. Kirsten's voice. 

"Guys, it's almost time to start getting ready."


	2. Hello Again

This is my first attempt at fanfic, ever. Please read and review. I really appreciate all the feedback, and I love that people are liking my story. It means a lot. And thanks to amani, my awesome beta, and to David and farfalina. And to you guys at TWoP and OTB. I love you kids! 

Ah, the disclaimer: I don't own anything. I don't even own a car. I have a dog, but she kinda owns me, and I doubt you'd want her anyway, so no suing. I'm just a girl who loves the HoYay!

Also, if you'll note, in the summary line it mentions that it's Seth/Ryan slash. So, if that's not your thing, don't read it. No worries. 

__

I dream that someday we'll be able to  
Look back on this together and say  
It was for the best and that it made us  
Stronger today, stronger today  
-----

And I don't know where this will lead  
But in my life you need to be  
Cause I need to say, "Hello again"

--"Hello Again" Hoobastank

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Shit.

Seth's eyes flew open at the sound of his mother's voice. He pulled away from Ryan, whose own eyes were wide with shock and fear. He stepped back, away from Ryan, tripped over his own feet, and hit the ground with a thud. "OW! Damn it, three times in one afternoon. Has to be a record."

Another knock. "Guys? The door's locked, and you really need to start getting ready. We have some stuff to go over before you leave." Kirsten's voice was maternally persistent. 

Ryan finally regained the ability to move and stepped over Seth, moving towards the door with large, quick steps. He opened the door to find Kirsten and Sandy waiting outside. "Sorry. Uh, Seth was, uh, teaching me to dance." Ryan started blushing. Damn it. He saw Kirsten and Sandy exchange amused glances. Ryan turned to walk away from the door and saw that Seth was nowhere to be seen. He heard water running in the bathroom and marveled at how quickly Seth could move. Crossing the room, he sat down on the bed, looking up at Sandy and Kirsten. "What's up?"

Kirsten walked over and sat on the couch. "We'll wait till Seth gets out of the bathroom. We just want to make sure you guys know the rules about tonight." She looked up at Sandy and smiled. 

"So, Seth was showing you how to dance?" There was a slight hint of mocking in Sandy's voice, and Ryan couldn't tell if he or Seth was the recipient. Ryan smiled slightly, and Sandy could tell Ryan was still embarrassed. His ears burned red. "Yeah. I, uh, didn't dance much before I came here." "Understandable. So, do you feel prepared for tonight?"

"Dad, are you doubting my ability to teach Ryan how to dance?" Seth's voice was joking, and Ryan could see no hints of the fear and shock that had clouded them earlier.

"Not at all, son, not at all. I'm sure you were perfectly Henry Higgins. Now, however, we need to lay down some ground rules for tonight."

Seth groaned and sat down on the bed next to Ryan, careful not to let their legs touch. Ryan noticed that Seth was careful to keep a safe distance, and was silently thankful. "Dad, It's prom. It's the night for which the phrase 'breaking the rules' was invented."

"Seth." Kirsten's tone was warning, but also mildly amused. "As your father was saying before he was interrupted, there are some rules for tonight. No drinking. If you drink, aside from knowing that we will kill you, you must NOT drive. Call a cab, or call one of us. No fighting. No getting arrested. Curfew is 2:00. One minute later, and you're both on restriction until graduation. Understood?" Kirsten looked both boys in the eyes.

"Understood." Ryan mumbled. Seth nodded. "No worries, Mom. We promise we'll be on better than our best behavior. No drunken parties, no motel rooms, no trouble. Honest." Seth stood up and put his arm around his mother's shoulders. "Now, if you'll all excuse me, I need to get ready. Despite my effortless appearance, it takes a lot to be this amazingly handsome." Seth turned and walked out of the poolhouse, not once looking back. 

Sandy and Kirsten headed towards the door. "We'll leave you alone to make yourself beautiful. Have a great night, son." Sandy said, smiling as he wrapped his arm around Kirsten's waist and led her out of the poolhouse. "And make sure you guys come back here after picking up the girls next door so Kirsten can take pictures." Sandy and Kirsten walked out of the door and Ryan closed it behind them, Sandy's words resonating in his skull. "Son." God, what the hell was going on? Ryan leaned against the door and slid down to the floor. What had he done? He had betrayed the Cohen's trust and Seth couldn't even look at him. He'd lost his best friend, the first real friend he'd ever had. He banged his head against the door and closed his eyes tightly. 

It had taken Seth only a minute to run into the house, up the stairs, and to his room. He closed the door behind himself and leaned against it, eyes closed. What in the hell had he done? He had screwed up before, but this was…this was…there were no words for what this was. He had kissed Ryan. He had kissed his best friend. His almost-brother. Seth did his best to control the wave of tears that lingered threateningly. He had to calm down. Just make it through tonight, he thought, and you can throw yourself on Ryan's mercy tomorrow. Surely this couldn't be the end. Seth walked over to his closet, took out his tux, laid it carefully on the bed, and headed to the bathroom for a quick shower. He just had to make it through Prom. 

Prom. Ryan opened his eyes. He didn't know how long he had been sitting against the door. He had to get ready. They were supposed to meet the girls at Summer's in less than an hour. He jumped up, gathered some clean boxers and a towel, and went to grab a quick shower. As he was toweling off his hair, he heard Seth's voice. "Ryan?" Damn it. He was stuck in the bathroom, in his boxers, and his tux was laying on the bed, out in his room, where Seth was. Looking around, he saw the robe that Kirsten had gotten him when he first moved in, hanging from a hook on the back of the bathroom door, never worn. He grabbed it and wrapped it around himself tightly before leaving the bathroom. 

Seth was standing next to Ryan's bed, wearing his tuxedo and carrying a small corsage. He had been standing there for a few minutes, but when he heard Ryan turn off the shower, he thought he should make his presence known before an embarrassing incident. He had been staring at Ryan's tux, trying to stop himself from picturing what Ryan would look like wearing it. Seth walked around the room, picking up a few of Ryan's CDs mindlessly. It seemed so long ago that this was nothing more than the poolhouse. Since Ryan had come to live with them, everything had changed. He had been so happy that Ryan was staying with them. He was still happy. Seth's eyes saddened as the realization that he had probably ruined all of that hit him. Ryan couldn't even look at him earlier, and his heart sank as he thought about the possibility that Ryan might never speak to him again. He looked up as Ryan came into the room.

Ryan's hair was wet and tousled, and he was wearing the robe Kirsten had bought him almost a year ago. "Hey, the hair is great, but this thing is kinda fancy. You might want to reconsider the robe." He waited, searching Ryan's face for a response, and when a small smile started at the corners of Ryan's mouth, he breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "Funny." Ryan crossed the room to where his tux lay on the bed. Seth made no move to leave. "Uh, Seth, do you mind? I need to get dressed." Seth moved a little closer to Ryan. "Actually, uh, I kinda wanted to talk—" Seth looked up, but the pained look in Ryan's eyes made him stop mid-sentence. He couldn't do this. Not right now. There would be time, later, to talk…if Ryan wanted. 

"Yeah, no, sorry. I'll just wait for you outside."

Ryan watched Seth as he walked out of the poolhouse. He couldn't help but notice how handsome Seth looked. Ryan smiled. Seth had made a joke. That was a good sign, right? Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that everything was different now, that once again, he had ruined everything by not thinking. Ryan dressed carefully but quickly. He grabbed his boutonniere and Marissa's corsage out of the minifridge and walked out the door. 

Seth was standing by the pool, seemingly deep in thought. Ryan smiled to himself as the many things that Seth could possibly be thinking about flooded his mind. Seth's brain had no "off" switch. Ryan watched the reflection of light from the pool dance across Seth's body for a moment before shaking his head and walking towards him. He noticed that Seth had already put on his boutonniere, and decided he should probably do the same. He set the corsage down on one of the chairs and tried to pin the small white rose to his jacket, but after poking himself the third time, he gave up. "Shit."

"Do you want some help with that?" Seth walked over and stood in front of Ryan. There was something in Seth's voice that Ryan couldn't place, but he decided to worry about it later. Just get through tonight, right? Seth took the flower from Ryan and moved to pin it to his lapel. No. Seth would be too close. Ryan stepped back, putting distance between his lips and Seth's. That was the safest thing. Distance. Because as much as Ryan would like to convince himself that what had happened earlier was some strange fluke, he couldn't deny how much he wanted to kiss Seth again, not with him standing so close and breathing so heavily. He grabbed the boutonniere and took another step back. "It's okay, Marissa can do it for me." 

Seth's shoulders fell. Not a good sign. Ryan wouldn't let Seth get within five feet of him without moving back, putting more distance between them. It had just been an innocent offer to help. He hadn't meant anything by it. Then again, the same could be said for the dancing lessons, and look how that had ended. But still, the distance scared him. As did the weird feeling he got in the pit of his stomach when Ryan said Marissa's name. He knew that this was another "on again" moment in their lengthy "on again/off again" relationship, a pattern that had started after the incident last year with Oliver and the gun. Seth wasn't exactly sure how "on" they were this time, but he had known better than to ask Ryan. Ryan wasn't much of a talker, but any mention of the precarious nature of his relationship with Marissa and he shut down for a while. And what should it matter to Seth anyway? He was going to Prom with Summer Roberts. It was one of his long time dreams coming true. As he reviewed his brief history with her--the dating Summer, the losing Summer, the getting Summer back--he was still amazed that he was on his way to pick her up for Prom. And yet, somewhere on the edge of Seth's mind, he couldn't brush the feeling of Ryan's lips from his own. He reached up with his hand to try one more time, and looked at Ryan.

Seth's eyes met Ryan's and he exhaled slowly. "Ryan—" Seth began, but Ryan cut him off. "Are you ready to go?" Ryan asked, his eyes expressionless. Seth furrowed his brow. "Yeah, let's go. I don't want to be late. We've gone three months without a rage blackout. Wouldn't want to mar that streak."

Ryan ignored the weird feeling he got when he thought about Seth and Summer. Summer was Seth's girlfriend. Kinda. For the time being. And Marissa was his girlfriend. Sort of. He never knew when another break up was lurking around the corner, another confusing attempt at distancing himself, only to be pulled back in. He didn't completely understand why he let Marissa yo-yo with his feelings, and the one time he had tried to explain it to Seth, he had gotten so frustrated with himself he had clammed up for days. Ryan knew that Seth thought he had upset him, and it was easier to let Seth believe that than to try and explain that after so long, he was used to being a constant figure in a completely inconsistent relationship. It didn't really matter whether it was his mother or Marissa pushing and pulling him. He had gotten accustomed to being seasick. 

Ryan pushed those thoughts to their rightful place in the back of his mind and tried to focus on the night ahead, but all he could do was think about Seth's lips. They were so soft. And the more he thought about it—or, rather, tried to stop thinking about—he realized that Seth had sorta been kissing him back. And that scared him almost as much as the fact that he had kissed Seth in the first place. What was going on?

----------------------------------------------------------------

Seth and Ryan drove to Summer's in silence. Ryan realized that it was the longest time period in the history of their friendship that Seth had been silent when no one else was talking. Ryan had sometimes wished Seth could learn to appreciate silence, but now he would have given anything to hear Seth babbling away about some comic book—er, "graphic novel" or some diatribe about the superior musical stylings of Death Cab, or anything. Maybe even the kiss, just something so Seth would be talking. Ryan chuckled as he realized the tables had been turned. 

"Something funny?" Seth's voice broke the silence like glass shattering. He never took his eyes off the road, and Ryan couldn't tell what expression he wore.

"I was just thinking about all the times I've wanted you to shut up, and now I'm desperate for you to talk." Ryan clamped his mouth shut as the last words escaped. That was not at all how he had wanted that sentence to be phrased. He could tell Seth was hurt. He tried again. "I didn't mean it like that."

"It's okay. I know what you meant." Seth's voice was even, but Ryan knew he was still upset. 

"I just meant that the shoe is kind of on the other foot now. You're being silent and broody, and I'm talking. It's funny if you think about it."

Seth's voice was reluctantly amused. "I am not broody. Angel is broody. I am contemplative. And you could never wear my shoes. Yours are two sizes smaller."

"Sorry." Ryan smiled. Joking again. That was good. And yet, it still felt weird. Suddenly, Seth spoke up again. "Look, this is ridiculous. Obviously we don't have time between here and Summer's house to hash out all the intricacies of what can only be described as the strangest dance lesson ever, but maybe we could just agree to talk about it later so that we can both start breathing normally again. So, tomorrow, we'll talk. Now, we just prom. Okay?" Seth's voice was pleading.

"Okay. Yes. That works." Ryan took a real breath for the first time since the kiss. He hadn't noticed his breathing become abnormal, but obviously Seth had. 

"Okay," Seth echoed, as he pulled into Summer's drive. It was going to be an interesting night.


	3. Bizarre Love Triangle

Y'all, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update. I got sucked into the Assignments thread over at TWoP, and I've spent the last two weeks watching and rewatching all the episodes, over and over and Adam… Yeah, I know, pity me, right? Anyway, here we go. Please continue to read and review. I really appreciate all the feedback, and I love that people are liking my story. It means a lot. Thanks as always to amani, my awesome beta, and to David and DQ. 

Ah, the disclaimer: I don't own anything. I don't even own a car. I have a dog, but she kinda owns me, and I doubt you'd want her anyway, so no suing. I'm just a girl who loves the HoYay!

Also, if you'll note, in the summary line it mentions that it's Seth/Ryan slash. So, if that's not your thing, don't read it. No worries. 

__

Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say  
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday  
I'm not sure what this could mean  
I don't think you're what you seem  
I do admit to myself  
That if I hurt someone else  
Then we'd never see just what we're meant to be  
Every time I see you falling  
I get down on my knees and pray  
I'm waiting for that final moment  
You'll say the words that I can't say

--"Bizarre Love Triangle", Frente!

__________________________________________________________________________________

"You're late," Summer snits as she opens the door.

"Summer, we're only five minutes late, which isn't even really late when you think about it because it's easy to make up five minutes somewhere," Seth replied, but Summer cut him off.

"Whatever, Cohen." She noticed the small box in his hand, and her face softened. "Is that for me?"

Seth smiled. "Yes, it is. You look amazing." He gently opened the box and removed the fuschia orchid corsage. Summer placed it on her wrist, and held it against her orange dress. 

"It's perfect, Seth. Thanks." She kissed him softly on the cheek. 

Ryan smiled to himself. You could tell Summer's mood concerning Seth by what she called him. If she called him "Cohen" she was either mocking, mad, or annoyed. Or sometimes all three. When she was sincere, he was "Seth." 

Seth must have noticed the "Seth," too, because he smiled. Looking around, he asked Summer, "Where's Marissa?"

Summer's forehead furrowed a little. "She's still upstairs. I'll go get her."

Summer left them standing in the foyer and went upstairs to get Marissa. She returned a few minutes later, alone and frowning.

"She says she's not coming. She wants us to go on without her." 

Ryan rolled his eyes. He knew when he got there that Marissa's absence wasn't a good sign. There were times when Ryan could gauge her mood or how their day was going to go by the look in her eyes, but most times it was impossible to tell what she was thinking or feeling. Ever since Oliver's death last year, she had been spiraling, drinking more and more often, skipping visits with her new therapist, and letting her grades slowly slip. At first, her parents had done everything they could think of to keep her under close watch, but after a while Kaitlyn had started getting into trouble, as well, and Marissa fell off their radar. She had begged Ryan to forgive her for what happened with Oliver, to take her back, and he had, of course, but since then she had broken up with him and begged him back so many times Ryan was starting to get dizzy. On New Year's Eve, she had broken up with him, this time for the last time, she said. She wanted a new start, a new year, nothing from the past to remind her of how much she was hurting, she had said. And for four months she hadn't spoken to him, but then three weeks ago, she approached him at lunch and asked him to go to Prom with her, and ever since then, she was acting like nothing had ever changed. Coming over to the poolhouse, waiting for him after work, walking with him in the halls. Ryan wasn't sure if they were back together, or what, but he wasn't going to ask. 

Ryan started to walk up the stairs, but Summer put her hand on his elbow. "Ryan…" Summer trailed off and let go of his arm. "Knock first, okay?"

Ryan nodded, and walked upstairs to Summer's room. He knocked on the door quietly. "Marissa?"

Silence.

Ryan knocked again. "Marissa, come on. Let's go…It's prom…" Ryan's voice was pleading. His first instinct was always to placate. 

Marissa opened the door slowly. Ryan could tell she had been crying. "I thought you didn't even want to go." Her voice was hollow.

"I don't. But I'm in the tux. And you're in the dress. And Summer and Seth are waiting downstairs. And it could be fun. So let's go, okay?"

Ryan saw Marissa's face soften. Her voice softened, too. "I'm a mess, Ryan."

Ryan smiled a little. He knew he had gotten her. "You're not. You're beautiful." He held out the box with the corsage. "I brought this for you." 

Marissa took the box from him and walked to Summer's vanity. She took the delicate white rose corsage out and slid it on her wrist. Her voice was barely above a whisper. "Thanks. It's beautiful." She looked at her reflection in the mirror and grimaced. "Not a mess, huh?" She smiled slightly. "Okay, just let me wash my face a little, and I'll be right down. It'll be fun." Marissa sat down at the vanity and wiped her cheek. 

"Okay. I'll go downstairs and wait with Seth and Summer." Ryan turned and left the room, grabbing his boutonniere on the way.

Summer and Seth looked at him expectantly as he walked back down the stairs. 

"She'll be down in a minute, she's just washing her face."

"Good job, Chino. Thanks." Summer looked relieved. She noticed the boutonniere in his hand. "Want some help with that?"

Ryan shrugged. "Nah, it's okay." He set it down on the table in the hallway. 

"So, what's the plan?" Marissa's voice was a million times lighter, and she was smiling as she walked down the stairs. 

Seth shot Ryan a questioning look, but he ignored him. He didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to get out of there. 

"Pictures at my house, we're having dinner at our dads' restaurant, and then Prom." Seth held out his arm for Summer. "Shall we?"

Summer linked her arm in Seth's and they walked towards the door. 

Ryan leaned into Marissa, his voice low. "Feeling better?"

Marissa nodded, and slid her arm into the crook of Ryan's elbow. "Much. Let's go." She smiled a small smile and led him towards the door. 

-------------------------------

Seth was trying to make eye contact with Ryan, but aside from kicking him in the shin under the table, it didn't look like he was going to be able to get his attention. Marissa and Summer were in the bathroom, hopefully saving Seth's life. Seth had spilled his water on Summer's lap and there was almost bloodshed until Marissa rushed Summer to the bathroom and dried her dress under the hand drier. While they were gone, Seth had been trying tried to catch Ryan's eye, but he was very focused on his meatloaf. Very focused. Seth worried that Ryan was still uncomfortably weird about what had happened earlier in the poolhouse, but he shook that thought from his mind as the girl approached

When the girls returned from the bathroom, Summer was still glaring at Seth, but things had calmed down. Marissa ever-so subtly moved all the glasses on the table out of Seth's reach and smiled at him. They all laughed, and Ryan felt his shoulders lift. He even smiled directly at Seth, knowing the other boy had been trying to catch his eye while the girls were gone, probably to ask about Marissa. He had been sorting through all the events of the night, putting everything in its proper place to be dealt with later. Kirsten had insisted on taking several rolls of film, and for some reason had insisted on taking a hundred pictures of Ryan and Seth together, and every time Seth's arm brushed his, electricity ran down his spine and into his stomach. No matter what Seth had said about "just promming" Ryan still couldn't completely forget about the kiss. 

And from the red that rose up Seth's neck when their hands brushed as they both reached for the check, Ryan was pretty sure Seth hadn't forgotten, either. 

-------------------------------

"This is it?"

The four of them were standing just inside the club door. Ryan turned and looked at Seth quizzically. 

"What exactly were you expecting?"

"I don't know, dude. This is my first Prom, remember? I guess I was expecting more than twelve streamers and some glitter." 

Ryan smiled, even though Seth was exaggerating. There were more than streamers and glitter. There were ridiculous amounts of glitter, and more crepe paper than a float at the Rose Bowl parade. Everything was covered in glitter. The entire room sparkled like really bad eyeshadow.

Summer leaned over to Marissa and almost-whispered. "What was the theme? Life inside a disco ball? Ew."

Marissa laughed and shrugged. "I don't know, I wasn't on the decorations committee this year. It is…a lot of glitter, isn't it?"

They laughed and walked towards the wall where several tables were arranged in a semi-circle. Ryan and Seth sat down, but Marissa grabbed Summer's arm. "C'mon, come with me to the bathroom." She shot Ryan an uncertain look, then walked away with Summer in tow. 

Seth scooted his chair a little closer to Ryan's and leaned in. "Hey, dude. Is Marissa okay? What happened at Summer's?"

Seth's breath on his ear made Ryan's breath quicken and his chest tighten. He leaned away from Seth's crooked head and turned to face him. "I'm not sure, Seth. She was just really upset, but I told her it would be fun. And now here we are."

Seth furrowed his brow. "Do you think she's okay?"

Ryan leaned farther back in the chair and took a deep breath. "I don't know. Maybe?"

When the girls returned from the bathroom, Summer grabbed Seth and forced him out onto the dance floor. Marissa sat in Seth's chair and scooted it even closer. She leaned in, whispering. "Wanna dance?" 

Marissa's breath made Ryan's chest tighten, as well, but this time it was the liquor instead of the proximity of the lips that got him. Ryan turned to look Marissa in the eyes. "Have you been drinking?"

Marissa's eyes widened. "What? No—Why would you think that? Where would you get that?"

Ryan's eyes hardened. "I don't know, Marissa. Must be those vodka-flavored breath mints you're using." He stood and began walking towards the dance floor. 

Marissa jumped up and followed him. "Ryan! Ryan, where are you going? Ryan!"

If anyone could hear her over the music, no one reacted. Ryan wound his way through the crowd and found Seth and Summer dancing. Well, Summer was dancing…

Ryan pulled Seth aside. "Hey, man, I really don't want to be here. I'm just gonna wait in the car. Can I have the keys?"

Seth searched Ryan's eyes for some clue as to what might have happened, but there was nothing there. Seth opened his mouth as though to ask, but closed it just as quickly. Whatever it was, this wasn't the place to talk about it. He fished the keys out of his pocket and handed them to Ryan.

Ryan mumbled a quick thanks, and headed towards the door. Marissa caught up with him, but Summer grabbed her elbow and led her away. 

Ryan opened the door to the Range Rover and climbed into the backseat. He rested his cheek against the cool leather of the headrest and closed his eyes. What was going on? First the thing with Seth, and now he had just abandoned Marissa at Prom. He had wanted so badly to make this night perfect, but she had ruined it. He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. He just needed to calm down.

After about 20 minutes, Ryan heard the car door open. "Chino, wake up! We're leaving." He opened his eyes to see Summer, Seth and Marissa climbing in the car. Marissa was in the front seat; Summer was sitting in the back with Ryan. Ryan rubbed his eyes and checked the clock on the dash. Almost midnight. "We're leaving?"

"You left 20 minutes ago." Marissa's voice was low and gravelly.

Ryan leaned up, as though to say something to Marissa or touch her, but Summer leaned forward quickly and tapped Seth on the shoulder. "Let's go to Holly's, huh? Everyone's supposed to be going there after prom. Luke asked me earlier if we were going to be there, and I said probably, so let's go, okay? It could be cool."

Seth nodded as he shifted the car into gear. "Sounds like a plan."

-------------------------------

Once they arrived at Holly's, Summer and Marissa left the boys to go get something to drink and talk about how much Prom sucked. Seth asked Ryan if he wanted something, but Ryan just shook his head. When Seth returned with two bottles of water, Ryan was nowhere to be found. Seth exhaled heavily and walked towards the back door.

Ryan shoved his socks into his dress shoes and walked further down the beach, until the music from Holly's party was a low humming. Full moon. How appropriate. He was afraid to mess up his tux, so he took off his jacket and tie and vest and folded them up neatly. He set his shoes on top of a large rock, and set his clothes on top. He sat down and lay back, closing his eyes and folding his arms behind his head. After a few moments, it got darker behind his eyes. He felt someone standing over him, and opened his eyes to see Seth standing, holding two bottles of water. 

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Can I sit down?"

Ryan just closed his eyes and nodded.

Seth sat down in the sand next to Ryan, almost close enough that their legs were touching. Ryan didn't move. Seth took a deep breath.

"Ryan—"

"If you're going to ask about Marissa, just don't, okay?"

Seth's shoulders slumped. "I was just going to ask if you were okay. Summer told me that Marissa downed, like, a gallon of vodka in the bathroom at Prom. I know that you guys have been fighting about her drinking, and I just wanted to know if you were okay, since this was the first time I'd gotten to talk to you." Seth took a breath. "Are you okay?"

Ryan opened his eyes and looked at the back of Seth's head.

"I don't know. I just…I don't know. I'm so tired of it all. I'm just tired."

"Do you want to go home? I can go find Marissa and Summer, and we can just get out of here."

Ryan sat up, his arm resting against Seth's. "No, it's okay. I'm okay for now."

Seth turned to look at Ryan. Of course, he had a freaking wife beater on under his tux shirt. Seth shivered slightly, and drew his legs to his chest. "Full moon. That's kinda weird, huh?" He turned to look at Ryan, and suddenly they were nose to nose. 

"Ryan?" Seth's voice was barely audible.

"I don't know, either, Seth. I just..." Ryan's voice was shaky as he leaned towards Seth. 

This time, Ryan wasn't sure whether Seth kissed him or he kissed Seth. He just knew that when they touched again, the electricity from the night ran through his skin like lightning, and Ryan wondered if Seth could feel it through the translucent skin of his lips.


	4. Falling Is Like This

The plot thickens. Or something. I really appreciate all you guys reading and reviewing, it means a lot to me. Thanks to DQ (aka TVWSM), who rocks my socks, and farfalina, who roucks my soucks, and to all the kids at OTB and TWoP. I love you! 

Ah, the disclaimer: I don't own these boys (but, oh, if I did…). Or the girls. So no suing. 

Also, if you'll note, in the summary line it mentions that it's Seth/Ryan slash. So, if that's not your thing, don't read it. No worries. 

__

Feels like reckless driving when we're talking  
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking  
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash  
They'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"  
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try  
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky  
  
I'm sorry I can't help you, I cannot keep you safe  
I'm sorry I can't help myself, so don't look at me that way  
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists  
that love is like falling  
and falling is like this.

--"Falling Is Like This," Ani DiFranco

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Seth was the first one to pull away, but he didn't move his hand from its place on Ryan's leg. When he opened his eyes, he saw that Ryan's were still closed, his head slightly tilted and his lips barely parted, shiny from the moisture of the kiss.

Seth wanted to speak, but he didn't know what to say. It was an unfamiliar feeling. So he just sat there, waiting for Ryan to open his eyes. He heard a sound like someone running, then his name in Summer's voice. 

"Cohen! Chino! Where they hell are you?" Summer sounded panicked.

Ryan opened his eyes and looked at Seth, and they stood together and rounded the corner towards Summer's voice. 

"God, could you have walked a little farther? C'mon, I need your help. Marissa's passed out inside, and we need to leave if you are going to be home by two."

Ryan's body tensed. All the electricity from the kiss ran out of his body, and the normal feeling of slight dread flooded his chest again. He glanced over at Seth, grabbed his clothes off the rock, and started walking back towards the beach house. 

Summer walked beside Seth a few steps behind, noticing something strange. She wondered what the two of them had been talking about. 

"You okay?" She bumped Seth with her shoulder playfully, but her tone was concerned. 

Seth stumbled a bit, regained his footing and tried to smile at Summer. "Yeah. Just tired, and ready to get home." Seth put one hand in his pocket and reached up to rub the back of his neck with the other.

Summer knew something else was going on, but she didn't want to push it, especially with Ryan only a few steps ahead of them. She would grill Seth tomorrow. 

Summer and Seth finally caught up to Ryan and they walked inside the beach house. Ryan walked over to the couch where Marissa was lain carelessly, and picked her up. They walked outside and Ryan placed her gingerly in the backseat. Luke walked up to them as Ryan was climbing into the front seat. 

"Hey. I've been looking for you guys all night." He noticed Marissa passed out in the backseat and shot Ryan a knowing look. "I tried to tell her to take it easy, but she doesn't listen to anyone lately."

Ryan shrugged and closed the car door. Luke leaned against the door, sticking his head inside to talk to Seth and Summer as well. "You guys wanna get together tomorrow? Maybe take my dad's boat out?"

Summer nodded. "Yeah, that's cool. I'll call you when Little Miss Sunshine wakes up."

Luke looked at Seth and Ryan. "What about you two?"

Seth started to speak, but Ryan interrupted him. "Actually, we kinda have plans tomorrow afternoon. Maybe next weekend, though?"

Seth looked at Ryan, questions dancing in his eyes, but he remained silent. Luke leaned back and moved his hand from the car door. "All right. See you guys later!"

Seth backed out of the driveway and headed towards Summer's house. He looked in the rearview mirror at Summer, who was stroking Marissa's hair while the drunk girl rested her head in her lap. "Marissa's spending the night with you tonight, right?"

Summer nodded. "Yeah, no way we're taking her home like this. I figured it'd be best if she stayed with me."

They rode in silence. Seth didn't even turn on the radio.

Once at Summer's, Ryan carried Marissa in and laid her on Summer's bed. He started to take off her shoes, but Summer stopped him. 

"It's okay, Ryan. I can do this. You and Seth need to get home before curfew." She moved to sit down on the bed and carefully took off Marissa's corsage and set it on the nightstand next to the bed. Ryan just nodded and walked out. Seth leaned down and kissed Summer on the top of the head. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

As Seth moved to walk towards the door, Summer stopped him. "Seth, is everything okay with you and Chino?" Her voice was quiet but concerned. 

Seth nodded, but his heart skipped a beat. "Yeah, why?"

"You guys just looked really intense on the beach earlier, and you've been kinda weird all night. Did you guys have a fight?"

Seth shook his head. "No, he's just really stressed about Marissa. And I can't say I blame him, honestly." 

Summer looked down at her best friend and frowned. "Yeah, I think we're all a little stressed about Marissa. I mean, she's my best friend and I love her, but I hate that shit she pulls with Ryan. Yes, no, yes, no. It's bullshit." Summer shook her head and leaned down to take off Marissa's other shoe. Looking up at Seth, she said, "You better get going. We'll talk more tomorrow."

Seth walked downstairs. He heard the car running out front and realized Ryan was waiting for him. He walked out the door, grabbing Ryan's boutonniere on his way out. 

As he sat in the driver's seat, he handed the boutonniere to Ryan. "I didn't know if you'd want this or not."

Ryan took the box and opened it. Seth drove out of Summer's driveway. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't. The words just weren't there. There were entirely too many thoughts crashing about in his head for him to put a coherent sentence together. Usually Seth had about 20 trains of thought on the track at once, but tonight was just weird. Even when, about five minutes away from home, Ryan pulled the pin out of the stem, rolled his window down and threw the rosebud out the window, Seth remained silent.

Seth pulled into the driveway at 1:55. "Perfect timing," he said, as he turned the car off. The kitchen light was still on, but the rest of the house was dark. "Think they're waiting up for us?"

Ryan shrugged. "Don't know. Guess we'll see."

They both walked inside quietly, just in case no one was waiting up. They found Kirsten asleep on the couch in her robe, a cold cup of tea on the coffee table. Seth shook her shoulder gently. "Mom, we're home. Five minutes early. You can go to bed now."

Kirsten sat up and yawned. She glanced at the clock on the wall, verifying Seth's claim. She stood up and patted each of the boys on the shoulder. "Glad you're home. I'm going to bed." She started for the stairs, then turned back around. "Ryan, where's your jacket?"

"It's in the car. I'll get it out on my way to bed."

Kirsten smiled and touched his cheek. "Don't worry about it, we'll get it in the morning. I'm sure they both need to be taken to the cleaners anyway. Sleep well, boys. Talk to you tomorrow. I want to hear all about it." Kirsten turned and walked upstairs. 

Seth leaned against the counter as Ryan stood in front of the refrigerator pouring himself a glass of juice. "What's that?" he asked, gesturing to a package on the counter. 

Ryan shrugged, so Seth walked over and opened it. He smiled.

"It's the pictures from tonight. She must have rushed out the house right after we left and had them one-hour developed. You wanna see?"

Ryan shook his head and finished the last of his juice. "I'm going to go to bed." He put his glass in the sink and walked towards the back door. 

"Hey Ryan?" Seth's voice was uneasy. "Are we still, going to, um…I mean, you told Luke that we had plans, and I just wondered if we were still going to talk about, um…you know, the…the…" Seth looked at Ryan pleadingly.

"I figured we could maybe go somewhere…some place not in Newport. We can ask your parents tomorrow."

Seth smiled, relieved. "Sounds great. I'll see you tomorrow."

Ryan walked out the door and down to the poolhouse. 

-------------------------------

Seth rolled over and looked at the clock on his nightstand. 7:45. Entirely too early to be awake on a Sunday. Especially since he was *still* awake. He had read a comic book, fallen asleep for a few hours, but he had woken up at six, and no matter what he tried he couldn't get back to sleep. He figured he would wait until nine, then go see if Ryan was awake. He usually didn't sleep in very late on weekends, and nine seemed like a reasonable time to wake up. So he stared at the ceiling and tried to make some sense of what had happened with Ryan.

So, in the poolhouse earlier, Seth was pretty sure that he had kissed Ryan. Well, it wasn't a question of whether there was kissing; it was more a question of who was kissing whom. He was pretty sure he had done the kissing. And he was pretty sure that Ryan would freak. But then, it kinda seemed like Ryan had been kissing him back. And that made Seth freak, because that was ridiculous. And then on the beach, he was pretty sure they had kissed each other, which, again, didn't really quell the freaking, but it was an interesting twist. Only, it didn't explain why. And that was the big question. 

He hadn't thought anything of offering to teach Ryan to dance. He wasn't the most graceful person in the world, but he knew enough to teach Ryan a few moves so he'd feel more comfortable about prom. And then, while they were dancing, Seth just felt something shift and he saw Ryan differently. Not just as live-in best friend. Something more. And then he couldn't think of anything other than Ryan's damn arms and the soft hair at the nape of his neck, and even though he couldn't explain it, kissing Ryan just seemed like the right thing to do. And no matter how many different ways he approached the situation, he still had no answer. He was searching for solutions, but coming up empty handed. Or brained. Whatever. 

He certainly hadn't though of the consequences of kissing your best friend. Your best friend who is a guy. While you yourself are also a guy. But he had wanted to kiss Ryan. And he couldn't explain it. Maybe talking would help. 

Seth looked back at the clock. 8:30. Close enough. He jumped up and grabbed some clothes. By the time he showered and got dressed, it would be late enough to go to the poolhouse. Hopefully Ryan would be awake by then. 

When Ryan walked into the kitchen, he was surprised to see Seth sitting at the bar drinking a cup of coffee, reading the paper, looking showered and dressed. Seth looked up when Ryan walked into the kitchen and smiled. "Morning." 

"Hey. How long have you been up?" 

"Not long. My parents left early this morning for some golf tournament. I asked them about borrowing the car today, and my mom said that was fine as long we dropped our tuxes off at the dry cleaners. She just said to be home in time for dinner, because she wants to hear all about Prom."

Ryan poured himself a cup of coffee and walked over to the bar. He leaned his back against the counter and studied Seth. 

"So, what's the plan today?"

Seth shrugged. "I don't know, what did you have in mind? Where did you want to go?"

It was Ryan's turn to shrug. "I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it."

Seth thought for a moment and began refolding the paper. "There's a new comic book store that just opened up in Huntington. We could drive up there and check it out. Grab some lunch, hang out. What do you say?" There was no response, and when Seth looked up he saw Ryan flipping through the photographs from the night before, smiling slightly. He spoke without looking up. "Have you seen these?"

Seth shook his head. "No, not yet. I kinda forgot about them."

Ryan put the pictures back in the envelope and set it in front of Seth. "Take a look. I'm going to go grab my wallet and we'll go."

Seth careful removed the pictures from the envelope. He never made it past the first one. There he was, standing in his tux next to Ryan, also in his tux, in front of the fireplace. They were both smiling. Seth focused on Ryan's smile. He looked genuinely happy. Not confused by the present, or stressed about the future, or wounded by the past. He just looked happy. Seth smiled and stared at the picture. Since Ryan's arrival almost two years ago, his life was so different. He wasn't alone anymore. And he knew that no matter what, he wasn't going to lose Ryan, bizarro feelings be damned. He would find some way to fix this. 

Down in the poolhouse, Ryan looked down at the picture of Seth and him in front of the fireplace. He quickly stuck it between the pages of a book on his desk, grabbed his wallet, and rushed out the door. At least if everything fell apart today, he would always have that. 

When Ryan walked back into the kitchen, Seth was still smiling at the pictures. "Hey, you ready?"

Seth looked up, slightly startled. "Yeah, I'm ready. Let's go." He carefully put the pictures back in the envelope and grabbed the keys his mother had left him. 

The two boys climbed into the car and headed out. Seth stuck in a mix CD, turned up the volume, and headed towards the highway. 

After about twenty minutes, Ryan leaned forward and turned the music down. Seth looked over quickly. "Hey, do you want to change the CD? I've got my case in the backseat. There's probably not much different in there, but it's not like you're a music connoisseur, so it shouldn't matter." Seth started to reach into the backseat, but Ryan caught his arm. 

"No, it's okay. I just wanted to…I just wanted to talk to you for a minute."

Seth didn't want to move his arm away from Ryan's touch, but he also didn't want to be driving one-handed when Ryan was talking. Ryan wanted to talk. Which meant something important needed to be said. Seth replaced his hand on the wheel and looked ahead, exhaling shakily. "Okay. What's up?"

Ryan took a deep breath. Talking. Not his strong suit, but he had said once before that he saves it for when it counts, and now was one of those times. 

"I need to apologize. For yesterday. In the poolhouse, and on the beach. I feel like I crossed a line, a bad one, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you. I just—"

"Wait." Seth hated to interrupt, but... "Wait, you didn't kiss me. I kissed you. And I'm the one who should be sorry, the one who crossed the line. And I am. Sorry, I mean."

Ryan stared down at his hands. This isn't exactly what he had been expecting. He had wanted to apologize, and for Seth to accept his apology and tell him everything was okay and then things could go back to normal. This was…confusing. Ryan looked up at Seth. "So, you kissed me?"

Seth breathed heavily again, and his eyes saddened. "Yeah. I'm sorry, Ryan. I don't know what happened, we were just dancing and there was Death Cab and arms and everything was just—"

"I kissed you, too." Ryan's voice was low.

Seth stopped midsentence. What?

"What?"

Ryan stared ahead. "I kissed you, too. We were dancing, and your hand was warm on my neck and I kissed you. And on the beach, I kissed you."

And this was a little too much. "Okay, wait…" Seth pulled over into a rest area and parked underneath a tree. He put the car into park, turned off the ignition, and shifted in his seat to look at Ryan. "Okay, so you kissed me?"

Ryan nodded, unable to look up. 

"And I kissed you. And that means…"

"We kissed each other."

Seth leaned back against the door and pulled his leg up into the seat. "Wow."

Ryan nodded, head still down. "Yeah."

Seth swallowed deliberately. "What, um. What exactly does that mean?"

Ryan finally looked up, and his eyes were rimmed with tears. "I don't know. Up until right now, I thought it meant that I had maybe lost you. But now, I have no idea."

Seth leaned forward and put his hand on Ryan's arm, his voice gentle. "Ryan…"

Ryan turned his body to face Seth's and spoke again, his voice determined. "Look, Seth, I've been trying to figure this out all night. I couldn't sleep at all. I just sat there, trying to figure out how I went from taking Marissa to the prom to kissing you in a little less than 24 hours. And I don't know. I just don't know. I mean, in my whole life…" Ryan paused, taking another deep breath. "In my whole life, you're the only constant I've ever known. Everything else is a yo-yo, in and out, back and forth, but there's always Seth. That first day, when you hugged me? No one's ever hugged me like that before. Ever. Like they meant it. I mean, you knew me, what, like a day? And you were ready to go on the pancake tour of North America? You risked everything for me. You are everything for me. And before yesterday, I never questioned it. It just was, we just were. But now…I don't know. I don't know what we are. I don't know where we're going. I just know that I kissed you and it felt right. And I know that now I'm scared."

A tear slipped down Ryan's cheek as he turned and reached for the door handle. Seth grabbed his wrist and scooted closer. "Did you know that the only colleges I applied to were the ones you applied to?"

Ryan turned back around, his eyes curious.

Seth nodded. "I don't care where I go to college, as long as you're there. Isn't that lame?" Seth chuckled quietly and continued. "It's like, before you came, I was living in a bubble. No one talked to me, no one ever noticed I was there. Even my parents just sort of lived around me. But then you walked into the living room, and we were playing Playstation, and suddenly I had a friend. And you didn't hate me. You actually seemed to like me. And you stood up for me, which is something no one else has ever done. Ever. I meant what I said that night, Ryan. I'm not going to forget that night. Ever. And you're my best friend, but yesterday, I don't know, it's like we were dancing and everything was just different, you know? I can't explain it. It's just different."

Ryan nodded. "I know. But, now what? I'm in love with my brother? What the fuck, man?"

"Okay, Ryan, honestly, when you think of me, do you think of me as your brother? Like, how you think of Trey?"

Ryan shook his head. He never thought of Seth like he thought of Trey. "No. Not at all."

"And you know what, I've never had a brother, but I don't think of you like one, not really. Not honestly."

Ryan's eyes were confused. "Then what am I, to you? What am I?"

Seth looked into Ryan's eyes and answered without thinking. "The other half of me." Immediately, he looked down, embarrassed. Had he just said "the other half of me"? Out loud? Oh, God, Ryan was certainly leaving now. He removed his hand from Ryan's arm and set it on his knee. 

Ryan's heart caught in his throat. That's it, he thought. That's it exactly. Not brother. Not best friend. Part of me. God, that makes perfect sense. He moved to the edge of the seat and set his hand gingerly on Seth's.

"I know exactly what you mean."

"Really?" Ryan nodded. "So, what does that mean?"

"I don't know. I don't know what any of it means. I just know that I want to kiss you again and I want it to be okay." Ryan leaned forward, breathing heavily. Nervous. Scared. 

Seth leaned forward, too. He nodded and blinked rapidly. "Me too."

This time, they definitely kissed each other. 


	5. Love or Confusion

A/N: I'm baaaaaaaaaack! And I brought the boys with me! I am so freaking sorry this took so long. But, here we are. Thanks, always and forever, to DQ, who is my TVW and SFWSM. You rock. 

So, here goes. All disclaimers apply. As much as I pray and sacrifice small things, I still don't own the OC. Go fig. 

It's slash, blahblahblah hotguyskissingcakes. Yum!

__

My heart burns with feeling, 

But my mind, it's cold and reeling  
Is this love, baby, or is it confusion?   
Oh, my head is poundin', poundin'  
Goin' 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round  
Is this love, baby  
Or is it just confusion?

--"Love or Confusion," Jimi Hendrix

______________________________________________________________________________

Seth's sudden laugh ended the kiss abruptly. Ryan moved back in his seat, confused and a little startled. Seth moved forward, trying to speak. 

"I'm sorry. It just…It just kinda occurred to me that I'm sitting in my parents car, at a rest stop, kissing Ryan Atwood. I'm sorry, but the sheer bizarreness of that statement struck me as rather funny. I'm sorry." Seth tried in vain to stop laughing.

Ryan smiled, and then chuckled. "Yeah, I see what you mean." He exhaled heavily, realizing he had been holding his breath again. 

Seth reached over and took Ryan's hand into his own. "So, now what?"

Ryan leaned forward. "More kissing?"

Seth smiled. "Okay, right, but I mean, after that. What exactly are we doing?"

Ryan's eyes clouded. "I have no idea." He leaned back in his seat, removing his hand from Seth's. "What are we doing?"

Both boys sat in silence, staring out the windshield. Seth jumped a little when his phone rang. He reached into his pocket, took it out, and checked the caller id. He pushed a button and the ringing stopped, but he didn't answer it. Ryan looked at him questioningly as he slipped the phone back in his pocket. 

Seth's voice was low. "Summer."

Ryan felt the edges of his mouth turn down. Summer. Seth's girlfriend. Shit. What the hell was going on? He had been over everything in his mind, and even said more to Seth than he had ever planned to explain. It had all been true. Even when Seth had messed up with the whole Oliver thing last year, even when he was a little obsessed with Summer at the beginning of their relationship, if Ryan was really honest with himself, he had always been there. No matter what, if Ryan needed him, he knew that he could go to Seth. Of all the people he knew, and had ever known, Seth meant the most to him. But now everything was so confusing, and muddled, and unsure—the feeling Ryan hated the most. He hated not knowing what someone was thinking or feeling, and that's part of the reason he was so comfortable with Seth. You never wondered what Seth was thinking or feeling, because he always told you. But even now, after their grand proclamations, Ryan still wasn't sure where they stood. He ran a hand through his hair, and heard Seth talking.

"… and then we just see what happens. What do you think?"

Ryan looked over at Seth, realizing he hadn't heard a word of what Seth had been saying. 

"Ryan?"

"Yeah, Seth, I didn't really…"

"Did you hear any of that?" When Ryan shook his head no, Seth sighed. He was formulating a plan here, the least Ryan could do is listen. Sheesh. 

"Okay, like I was saying," Seth began pointedly, but grinning, "is that we really don't have to figure all this out right now. I mean, yeah, it's confusing, and seemingly sudden, and kinda changes things a lot, but we'll figure it out. I just don't think we're going to come to any definite solutions right now. So, we just state what we know, and try and figure out where we're going." Seth looked at Ryan expectantly. "What do you think?"

Ryan nodded. Sounded like a good plan.

Seth nodded, too. "Okay, here's what I know. I know that you're my best friend, and that, at some point in the last 24 hours, my feelings for you have gone from 'platonic' to 'more than a little bit minty' and I'm not sure what that means, but honestly, I'm not nearly as freaked out about as I feel I should be, and that right there freaks me out, cos it's probably not all that often that people suddenly become gay from dancing, but I don't really know, you know, cos I don't know all that many gay people, hey, maybe we should call Luke's dad in Portland and talk to him—"

"Seth," Ryan interjected, smiling. 

"Hmm?" 

"I don't think we're gay."

Seth looked confused. 

"I mean, I don't know any gay people either, Mr. Ward excluded, but you don't just wake up gay one morning. I mean, Mr. Ward didn't just 'decide' he was gay. It's more than that. And to be honest, I don't really think that it matters. I'm not having some huge sexual identity crisis. You're the first guy I've ever wanted to kiss, and the fact that you're a guy doesn't bother me nearly as much as the fact that you're Seth."

"So, the Sethness bothers you, not the gayness," Seth looked hurt. 

"No, not like that. Okay, 'bothers' wasn't the best word to use there. More like…shocks? Shocks. Okay, that's good. It's not that you're a guy that shocks me, really. It's just that you're Seth, and I feel like I've known you forever, but all of a sudden it's like you're different, or I'm seeing you differently, and that's what's strange. There's a different feeling, now, when I look at you." Ryan visibly relaxed as he saw Seth's face shift from hurt to understanding. 

"Okay, I get that. Really. Okay, you know in _Kavalier and Clay_, it says something about how Sammy felt for Joe the way most guys would feel for a girl, except Joe was a guy, and I've always kinda thought that applied to us as well, because the way I feel about you, whichever way it is, has always been just as strong if not stronger than anyone else. Only now, there's not even the 'except he's a guy' qualifier there. That's what's changed. And at first, I was absolutely terrified, because nothing scares me more than the thought of you not being around, but now that I'm pretty sure we're feeling the same way, I feel a lot better. I'm still not sure I understand everything, but I'm not scared as long as you feel the same way, and you're not running away or kicking my ass. Are you, at any time in the near future, planning on doing either of those thing?"

Ryan shot Seth a patented sideways glance.

"Okay, then, I'm okay. You?"

Ryan took a deep breath. He felt…pretty okay, if he had to be honest. He had kissed Seth, and it had been okay. And even though he was confused, it wasn't bad. There wasn't that sickening dread in the pit of his stomach, and he took that to be a good sign. 

"I'm not scared anymore, really. It's just going to take some time, you know? And we kinda need to decide what to do about everyone else? What are we going to do about Marissa and Summer? And your parents?"

"Okay, whoa. I'm thinking we definitely do NOT need to tell the parents. Cos, seriously. I don't even know what we would tell them, and while I don't think they would kill us or anything, I would at least like some time to figure this thing out before we go telling the parents."

"Agreed. And, I'm breaking up with Marissa."

"Ryan, you don't—" Seth didn't want to cause Ryan any more pain. 

"No, really, I do. I have to. I should have a long time ago, I should've stopped taking her back a long time ago, because I really cannot deal with this shit any longer. Regardless of what happens with us, I do not want to be with Marissa anymore. The two are separate. What about Summer?"

"I don't know. I mean, we're together, officially, but we haven't been together for a while. I just need to talk to her."

"Are you going to tell her about…?"

"I'm thinking no. She's been telling me that we need to talk for a few weeks, but then with all the Prom hoopla, she dropped it. So, I'll talk to her."

"When?"

"Um, tomorrow?"

Ryan shook his head. Seth grimaced. "Today. I'll talk to her today."

"Okay. I'm going to try and talk to Marissa today, as well. And then…"

Seth leaned over and kissed Ryan again, quickly. "We just go from there, right?"

Ryan smiled as Seth started the car. Right. 


	6. Please Forgive Me

A/N: Oh, the muse, she is fickle. But for the moment she's in a really good mood, so let's roll with that. Appropriate disclaimers apply, I own precious little, and none of that has to do with the OC. Well, except for the posters and CD and stuff. *ahem*. Thanks, of course, to DQ. Shirtless, grinning Adam to you, my dear. 

__

Help me out here

All my words are falling short 

And there's so much I want to say

--"Please Forgive Me," David Gray

___________________________________________________________________________________ 

Ryan knocked on the door of Jimmy's apartment. He had called Marissa after Seth had dropped him off at home, and she had been sleeping off an awful hangover at her dad's since he was out of town. Ryan felt a small pang of guilt about having this discussion while Marissa felt so bad, but quickly pushed the thought out of his mind. Marissa wasn't his responsibility, and he had to tell her it was over. Not just because of Seth, although that was part of it. He wondered how Seth's conversation with Summer was going, but he didn't dwell long before Marissa opened the door. 

"Hey, Ryan," Marissa smiled, wincing at the sunlight. "Come on in."

Ryan stepped inside, deftly avoiding Marissa's attempt to kiss him hello. They walked into the apartment, and Ryan sat down on the couch. 

"Do you want to go upstairs to my room?" Marissa asked, trying to recover from the awkwardness of the missed kiss. 

"No, I'd rather stay down here. We need to talk." Ryan's voice was low, determined.

"Okay," Marissa whimpered. She sat down beside Ryan and tried to take his hand, but he moved further away from her. "What's going on, Ryan?"

"This?" Ryan said, motioning between himself and Marissa. "Is over."

Marissa's eyes filled with tears. "What—what do you mean, over?"

"I mean, I can't be with you any more."

"Ryan," Marissa tearfully interjected. "I'm really sorry about last night, I told you—"

"No," Ryan cut her off tersely. "This isn't just about last night, Marissa. It's about the past two years, and the roller coaster that we've been on, that I've been on, because of you. You do, you don't, we are, we aren't, and I'm tired of it. It never changes. And I can't do it any more." Ryan took a deep breath. 

"Ryan, I promise, things will get better. I can—I can. . ." Marissa trailed off. 

"Look, Marissa, it doesn't matter. Nothing can change the past. It's done. I don't want to be with you anymore." Ryan continued, despite Marissa's quiet sobbing. "I really don't want to hurt you, but it's over. Nothing you can say will change that. I'm tired of being miserable, and getting hurt. It's over."

Ryan stood to leave, but Marissa grabbed his wrist. "Ryan, wait."

Ryan stared down at Marissa's hand on his wrist, and looked at her. "No, Marissa. No more waiting. I'm leaving now."

Marissa let go of his wrist and collapsed on the couch in tears. Ryan walked out the door and leaned against the wall beside it. Seth. He really, really needed to talk to Seth. He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialed Seth's number as he walked towards his bike. 

------------------------------

"Okay, we really need to talk."

Seth was sitting in Summer's bedroom, playing absent-mindedly with the fringe on one of her pillows. He hadn't quite figured out what he was going to say yet, but he knew the words would come to him. They'd more than likely be the wrong words, but they'd be there, right? 

"I know. I've been telling you that for weeks." Summer sat down next to Seth on the bed. Okay, this wasn't going to be easy, but it had to be done. Just get it over with, like ripping a Band-Aid off. Painful at first, but necessary. 

"Summer, I--" Seth began, but Summer cut him off.

"Let me go first. I've really got to say something, and I just need you to listen, okay?" Summer took a deep breath as Seth nodded. She started speaking, and the words rambled out of her brain like a Seth Cohen monologue. 

"Look, you're my best friend, Seth. And I really care about you, and I love being with you, but...college is like right around the corner, and I'll be at NYU, and Marissa will be in Boston, and you and Ryan are staying here in California, and everything is changing. It's so cliché, but it's like a new chapter is starting, and as much as I would love to be all romantic and crazy, I don't think long distance relationships are logical, and I really can't see us staying together when there's an entire country between us, and I do love you, I really do, but I think maybe if we make a clean break now, we could stay friends, because I don't want to lose you completely, and I don't want you to hate me--" Summer trails off, a sob catching in her throat. Cohen's going to hate her. He has to. She can't even look at him. 

Oh, thank God. Seth takes one of Summer's hands in his, and lifts her chin. "Summer, I couldn't hate you. It's cheesy, but it's true. And believe it or not, I know exactly where you're coming from. Things are changing," Seth says, thinking of Ryan, "and I totally agree, long distance sucks, and I would much rather have you as a friend than for you to go off to New York and never talk to me again."

Summer smiled, wiping a tear from her cheek. "I really do care about you, Seth. I was so scared you were going to hate me for breaking up with you."

"Not at all. You're right. High school's almost over, like, forever. College is going to be a different world, and who knows what's going to happen? We're so different now than we were, like, a year ago, or even a day ago, really, and things are just going to keep changing, because life is unpredictable and strange, so it's best to prepare ourselves now for what might happen in the future, right?"

"Cohen, what are you talking about?" 

"What? Nothing. I'm just saying, you're right, if we break up now, then our chances of remaining friends in the future are much better, and that's important to me. And things are changing, we're changing, growing up, if you will, and we've just gotta roll with the punches, right?" _Shut up, Seth_, he thought to himself. _Just shut up, man. _

"Okay, seriously? What's going on? You've been completely ignoring my requests to talk for, like, weeks, and last night at Prom was totally bizarre, and Chino was acting quieter and broodier than normal, and now all of a sudden *you* are the one that needs to talk, and you're taking this whole break up thing much better than I thought and now you're rambling about life changes and stuff. What's up, Cohen?"

"I thought you'd be glad that I'm not upset about the whole 'break up thing.'" Seth made air quotes with his fingers. "What did you expect, that I would collapse in racking sobs and beg you to stay with me? Were you trying to crush me? Break my heart?" Seth's voice was a little harsher than he intended. 

"God, no. Get over yourself." Summer took a breath. She didn't want to fight. "I'm just saying that it's a little weird that in a little less than a day, you've gone from Captain Avoidance to Mister Talk About the Future. And I *know* something happened on the beach last night with Chino, and I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with you. Did you and Chino get into an argument?"

"Um, not exactly, no. It doesn't matter." Seth stood up and walked to the other side of the room. Must. Not. Talk. 

"Seth, if something's bothering you, you can talk to me. Honestly. I mean, I may not be the most compassionate person ever, but you're my best friend, and I know something's going on, and you were really weird last night, and I know how much you hate when Ryan's upset, and--"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What? Exactly what I said, dork. You hate it when Ryan's upset with you, and I thought if you guys were arguing on the beach last night, then maybe--"

"Well, we weren't arguing, okay? He's just really stressed about Marissa and stuff."

"Okay, fine." Summer sounded a little angry. "If you don't want to talk about whatever's bothering you, that's fine. You don't have to. I was just trying to help."

"Summer," Seth said, pleadingly. "Honestly, it's not that I don't want to talk about it, okay? I just can't. Especially not with you."

"Why? Because I'm your ex-girlfriend?" Summer still sounded angry.

"Dude, no. I mean, Christ, you've only been my ex-girlfriend for, like, ten minutes. I sincerely doubt that's enough time for my subconscious to place boundaries around our conversational topics. I just can't tell anyone, okay? It's just…it's too weird and confusing." God, Seth wanted to tell Summer. He just wanted to say it out loud, just once. He wanted her to tell him he wasn't a freak, tell him that it was okay, because as much as he had tried to assure Ryan in the car earlier, truth be told, he was still a little freaked out. It was all still so new. And hard to get used to. Seth still couldn't quite wrap his head around what was going on in his heart. 

Summer's face softened. "Okay, Cohen, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to bully you into telling me." Seth smirked. "Okay, maybe I was, but seriously. If you need to talk, I'm here, okay? Nothing leaves this room. I'm a really good secret-keeper. Look how long I successfully hid our relationship last year." Summer smiled, and Seth chuckled. 

Seth walked over and sat back down on the bed. What the hell, right? Worse-case scenario, she freaks out, tells everyone, and he can tell Ryan she beat it out of him in a rage blackout. He and Ryan get kicked out of town, and they embark on that Pancake Tour Seth's been talking about forever. Not too bad. Deep breath. 

"If I tell you this, you have to promise me that A--you won't tell another living soul, not even Ryan, and B--you won't kick my ass."

"Cross my heart and hope to die," Summer says, as she makes the motions over her chest. 

Another deep breath. Here goes nothing. 

"I kissed Ryan."

Seth looked up, but Summer's expression doesn't change. Something flickered in her eyes, but Seth couldn't quite decipher it. Seth continued. 

"He was freaking out about dancing at Prom, well, not freaking out, cos Ryan doesn't freak out about anything, but he was blatantly refusing to dance, and so I offered to show him a couple of dance steps so Marissa wouldn't be disappointed, so there we were, dancing in the poolhouse, and god this sounds so stupid, but I just…kissed him. And it was weird and…nice, really, and then my parents came out to the poolhouse to talk about prom and stuff, and I just freaked, and made a hasty retreat after the laws were handed down, and then on the beach, we kissed again, but this time I wasn't really sure who kissed who, and then you came up, and Marissa was passed out, and then we just went home and the next morning we were going to drive to Huntington and check out the new comic book store but on the way there, Ryan apologized for kissing me, and I was, like, wait, I kissed you, and then we determined that we kissed each other, and we talked about it, and I think maybe we're dating, but I don't really know, but I know that the way I feel about him is different, but not bad, and it's all crazy and confusing and now I need to breathe." 

After a pause, Summer erupted into giggles. Seth looked up, confused.

"What? My identity crisis is *funny* to you?"

"I'm sorry, Cohen, but, seriously…I kinda thought maybe, by some random act of God and nature, you had met another girl, and that's why you weren't too upset about the break up, but I really didn't expect it to be Chino." Summer giggled again. 

"Ha. You're hilarious." Seth moved to get up off the bed, but Summer caught his arm. 

"I'm sorry, Seth. Honestly. Just gimme a sec to compose myself." Seth plunked back down, and Summer took a breath. "Okay, wow. I just…I mean, Chino. And you. That's just crazy. I mean, not bad crazy, just…wow. So, what does that mean?"

"I don't know. I mean, on the one hand, I don't really feel that different, except for the obvious, but on the other hand there's that whole, Willow-'Gay Now' thing, and I don't know. It's weird, and weirdly not weird."

"Is this what you needed to talk to me about?"

"Well, kinda. I wasn't planning on telling you the whole story, but I can't keep my damn mouth shut ever, so, yeah. It's crazy." 

"Not really. I mean, if I'm not mistaken, Luke's been calling this one for years." Summer's smile was viciously cute. 

"Ha, again. Dude, even if I am gay, proving Luke wrong would be enough reason to stay in the closet for, like, ever."

Summer laughed. "Do you feel gay?"

"I have no idea how to answer that question. That's what's so fucked up. Not really. I mean, I'm still sitting here, having a hard time not staring at your boobs in that tank top, and yet, strong desire to kiss Ryan. What the hell?"

"Bisexuals do exist, Cohen. It's not like you invented the phenomenon." 

"Shut up. It's just, there's not this huge list of guys I want to make out with. Just one."

"Okay, so maybe you're, like, Chinosexual. Who knows?"

"I don't know. I don't really care, to be honest. I'm just not really sure where to go from here, you know? Are we dating? Am I dating Ryan?"

"You're certainly kissing him. I cannot even imagine that. No, wait," Summer closed her eyes and smiled. "I so can imagine that. It's pretty hot." 

"Ha, for the third time today," Seth snitted as he smacked Summer with a fringed pillow. 

Summer giggled, and moved to sit closer to Seth. "Cohen, you're my best friend. And whatever happens with this Ryan thing, I'm here. Whatever changes, I'm here." Summer kissed him gently on the cheek. 

"Do you feel kinda sad, though?" Seth asked. 

Summer answered thoughtfully. "A little. I mean, I do love you. But you can't change the way you feel, and neither can I, and it's not like we're never going to see or talk to each other again. It's just…the end of one thing, and the beginning of another. So, sad, but happy. Or something."

Seth nodded. "Thanks, Summer. Seriously. I feel a lot better." Seth leaned back against the pillows at the headboard. "I'm glad we're cool."

Summer leaned back against Seth's shoulder. "We're cool. Does this mean you're going to start shopping with me?"

"Dear Lord, no. Never. There's nothing in the world that could make me that gay." Seth deadpanned as Summer elbowed him in the ribs, laughing. 

"So, where is Ryan?"

"Talking to Marissa. He was going to head over there this afternoon."

"Is he breaking up with her?"

"Yeah."

"Good for him. I mean, regardless of what happens with you guys, he needs to let that shit go. Hey, wanna watch _The Valley_? Tons of cute guys…" Summer asked playfully. 

"Ha. Ha. Ha. You're really on fire today, Summer. I'm dying over here." Seth laughed despite himself. Summer cued up the DVD player as Seth's phone started ringing. 


	7. Happy

A/N: I don't own The O.C. or the characters, but I'm thinking I should marry and divorce Josh Schwartz so I can have half. 

I should be updating pretty regularly for the next couple of weeks (pesky unemployment), so enjoy! More thanks than I could ever give to my incomparable TVW+SFWSM. Love you more than my luggage, punkin! 

But early this evening  
I wanted to be with you  
I got on the blower  
The next thing I know you're speaking  
Now I'm gonna tell you what I"ve been thinking  
And I got a hunch that you're thinking the same thing  
And with some luck  
We'll be lying together tonight

--"Happy," Travis

_____________________________________________________________________________

Ryan could hear Summer laughing in the background before Seth says hello, and the knot in his stomach tightened. He could hear the smile in Seth's voice. 

"Ryan, dude, what's up? Ryan?" Seth checked the phone to make sure he didn't get disconnected. "Ry?"

"Yeah, man, sorry. I'm here." Ryan cleared his throat. "What's up?"

"Nothing. What's up with you?" There was something strange in Ryan's voice, but he couldn't quite place it. 

"I—I ended it." Ryan's voice was low.

"I'm guessing it didn't go very well, then, hey?" 

"Yeah, not so well. So, um, did you talk to Summer?" Ryan's voice sounded forced. 

"Yes, actually, I did. And I lived to tell the tale. I'll tell you all about it when we get home. Where are you right now?"

"On my way there now, actually." Ryan opened his mouth to speak again, but no words would come out. 

Seth knew Ryan would never ask him to come home, even if he wanted to, or needed to. "Yeah, Summer was just about to cue up some Valley DVDs, which is my cue to leave. I'll meet you at home in a few minutes, okay?"

Ryan smiled a small, corner of the mouth smile. "Okay. See you in a few." He clicked his cell phone closed, replacing it in his pocket, and started to pedal in the direction of home. 

"So, you're going home?" Summer looked disappointed. 

"Um, yes. Ryan sounded upset—well, as upset as one can sound when one has very little vocal inflection, but upset nonetheless, and I want to—"

"Fine!" Summer cut Seth off dramatically. "Abandon me for Chino. How very Marissa of you. Next thing you know, you'll be passed out in my guest bedroom." Seth started to say something, but Summer held up a hand. "Kidding, Cohen. Kidding. It's cool, I understand. Just call me later okay?"

Seth stood up, kissed Summer on the top of the head, and sprinted out the door. "Will do!"

Summer watched him leave and giggled. Chino and Cohen. It was too much. 

------------------------------

Seth knocked tentatively on the door of the poolhouse. 

"Come in."

Ryan was laying across the bed, an arm stretched across his eyes. Seth's first impulse was to sit next to him, close to him, but then he thought for a minute that maybe he should give Ryan some space, let him make the first move, and so he should sit on the chair, but that was really far away from the bed and what the hell was Ryan listening to??

"Dude, is this more Journey?" Seth asked, still standing by the door. 

Ryan lifted his head slightly and looked at Seth. "Are you coming in?"

"Are we listening to Journey?"

"Yes."

"Then I'm still thinking about it."

Ryan sighed and plopped his head back on the bed, but Seth could see the beginnings of a smile. 

Seth walked over and sat beside Ryan's legs on the bed. "So, I'm guessing things didn't go well with Marissa?"

Silence. Seth cleared his throat. 

"You can change the music if you want to." Ryan's voice was slightly muffled by the arm over his face. Ryan's damn arms. 

"No, man, it doesn't matter. What happened with Marissa?"

Ryan sat up. Seth didn't want to change the music. Seth, who had a soundtrack for every single life event, including the mundane things like "Shower Mix 2003" and "Songs To Listen To While Avoiding Homework," didn't want to change the music, and that was serious. Ryan looked at Seth, who was waiting patiently. 

"I went over there. I told her it was over. She cried, and begged me. I said no, she cried some more, and I left. And…that's it. It's over." Ryan took a deep breath. 

Seth frowned. "And how do you feel about that?" _I'm sorry, I'm a therapist now?_ Seth thinks as he cringes internally. But if Ryan noticed, he didn't say anything, and Seth said another silent thank you to the god of Keeping Seth From Embarrassing Himself. Ryan just took another breath. 

"Relieved. And…sad, a little, I guess. I mean, it's been pretty shitty, but two years is a long time. But mostly, relieved." Ryan closed his eyes and lay back down. "So, what about Summer?" Ryan asked, trying not to let the fear in his stomach leak out through his mouth. 

Ooh. Summer. Seth wasn't exactly sure how to tell Ryan that he totally told Summer everything. He began slowly. "Yeah, see, Ryan, that's the thing…with Summer…"

Ryan sat up quickly. "You didn't tell her?" Ryan looked crestfallen. 

"No, no, I told her." Seth shifted uncomfortably. "I told her, um, a lot. Like, maybe the whole thing." Seth winces, expecting Ryan to be mad, or surprised, or... 

"Really? How did she react?"

…perfectly fine with it. 

Seth opens one eye, looking at Ryan. "You're not mad?"

"That you told? Not really. A little uncomfortable, maybe, but not mad."

"I'm sorry, I just really needed to tell someone, and I honestly believe Summer would never saw a word to anyone, and it all just came out. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told her without talking to you about it first."

"No, really, it's cool. So, she wasn't upset?"

"Actually, she broke up with me before I ever told her about us. Something about college and new beginnings and long distance relationships sucking. And then I started agreeing with her, and from that she deduced that something was up. Apparently I talk too much when I'm nervous." Seth shrugged. 

Ryan narrowed his eyes. "Just when you're nervous?"

"Ha. Everyone is so funny today, I just can't stand it." Seth rolled his eyes. 

Ryan smiled. "So, what did she say?"

"Um, she laughed. A lot. She was kinda thrown, obviously, but she didn't freak out. She had apparently been planning the break up for a few weeks, I think, and I think she was so relieved I wasn't, like, rending my garments or whatever she kinda took everything else in stride. And then she made fun of me, and then there was a really weird moment where she was imagining us kissing, and then we were just okay. I feel completely okay about Summer. Things are good. Different, but good." Seth started playing absentmindedly with a loose thread on the hem of his shorts.

Ryan's face scrunched up a little. "Imagining us kissing?"

"Yeah, I don't know, dude. Girls are weird," Seth pulled the thread out and wound it around his finger. "We also briefly discussed the status of this…this," Seth said, waving his hand back and forth between his and Ryan's chest. 

"Status?"

"Yeah, status. Like, are we dating? Is it a thing, or a _thing_? Are we just playing around, or—"

"I'm not playing, Seth," Ryan's tone was a little uneven.

"No, no, I mean, neither am I, I'm just saying." Seth said quickly. "So, are we? Dating, I mean?"

"In the sense that I'm picking you up at seven and bringing you flowers? No, probably not. But in the sense that we both care about each other, and want to be together, and there's kissing? Yeah, I would say so." Ryan looked up to gauge Seth's response. The grin made his heart flicker. 

"So, cool. Dating." Seth was still smiling, but Ryan could see another question behind his eyes.

"What?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"Your poker face sucks. What?"

Seth frowned slightly. He felt like he was asking too many questions, making too many requests, but there was still one thing that was bugging him. 

"So, okay, just to clarify, make sure everyone's on the same page here, by 'dating' do you mean, you and me, boyfriend/gir-um, boyfriend, like an exclusive thing? Cos I don't really have good luck with the romantic geometrical figures, if you'll recall, and I know the Marissa thing is over, but, still, there's—"

Seth found it impossible to finish that sentence with Ryan's lips on his own. He visibly relaxed and leaned into Ryan's hand on his cheek. 

When Ryan moved away slightly, Seth found he couldn't open his eyes for a few seconds. When he did, Ryan's face was only inches from his, eyes serious.

"There's Seth and Ryan. No one else." 

Seth smiled. "Good." And he didn't need to say anything else, because Ryan's lips had already found their way back to his, and he sighed into the kiss. 


	8. Why Can't I?

A/N: The usual disclaimers apply—don't own, slash, blahblahblah. I heart DQ so very much. She's amazing. That being said, bring on the slashy goodness.

_Isn't this the best part of breakin' up  
Finding someone else you can't get enough of  
Someone who wants to be with you too  
  
It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch  
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch  
But wouldn't it be beautiful  
  
Here we go, we're at the beginning  
We haven't fucked yet, and my head is spinning._

--"Why Can't I?" Liz Phair

* * *

"Seth!"

Summer's voice reverberated in the hallway. Seth stopped and turned around just in time to see her trying to run down the hall, but considering the three inch Jimmy Choos she had chosen to compliment her ridiculously short skirt, it was practically impossible to walk any faster than a leisurely stroll. He waited for her.

She stopped in front of him, looking flustered. "We don't walk to Chemistry together any more?"

"Sorry. My brain is kinda fried." He held an arm out to her. "My lady."

"You're such a dork." Summer giggled as they walked towards their classroom.

---------------------------

"Cohen!" Summer was practically waving her hand in front of Seth's face.

"What?"

"You are so not helping here. We are supposed to be determining whether this stuff is acidic, or, um, basic, I guess."

"Summer, it's two weeks till graduation. This is, like, second grade stuff. It's just busy work because no one feels like teaching seniors who are so close to graduation they can taste it."

Summer lowered her voice and smirked mischievously. "Yeah, well, some of us don't feel like sitting around day dreaming about Chino all day, so maybe you could help me out here, partner."

Seth sat up, looking around, ears red with embarrassment. "Summer!" he hissed. "Shut up!"

Summer smiled. That got his attention. "Seth, in case you haven't noticed, half the class is sleeping, and the other half is pretty much not here. Calm down."

"Why are you even worried about this?"

"I need an A in this class, and Mr. Rodriguez told me that a good class participation grade would help me. Therefore, I am participating. And you are helping." She handed him a stack of little yellow papers. "Dip it, Cohen."

Seth absent-mindedly dipped one of the small papers in a test tube of brown liquid, then held it up to the comparison chart. "Coke's acidity is about 3.4, and I was not thinking about Ryan."

Summer jotted that down, and rolled her eyes. "Right. That's why you, like, forgot that we've walked to Chemistry together for the past nine months. And why you've spent the entire period staring out the window like a thirteen-year-old girl. I totally believe that."

Seth sighed, but he had to admit she was right. Only he was daydreaming, because that was lame. He was thinking, reminiscing, perhaps, but definitely not daydreaming. It was just so hard to act normally, or, rather, normally for Seth, because things were so very different now. He had a boyfriend, which, alone, was really freaking weird and/or awesome, but the kicker was that it was RYAN. Ryan was his boyfriend. They were kissing-type boyfriend people, and dammit, that deserved some thought in the most boring class of all time.

---------------------------

Turns out, though, every class of the day was the most boring class of all time, and that meant lots of time to think about Ryan, thankfully without Summer's interruption. And by the time the last bell rang, Seth realized that he hadn't heard a word about anything in any of his classes, but he figured that didn't matter. School was almost over, he had pretty much straight As, and he and Ryan had already been accepted to college, so it was all…

Holy shit. College. Berkeley. Ryan and Seth were both going to Berkeley in the fall.

And they were roommates.

Kissing-type, boyfriendly roommate people.

Seth had to talk to Ryan ASAP.

He bounded down the front steps of Harbor, remembering that he and Ryan had planned to meet right after school at the truck. Good plan.

As Seth approached the truck, he saw the definite outline of Summer in the front seat. Good lord.

"What's up?" Seth asked as he climbed in the backseat.

"We're going to hang out in the house of ill repute," Summer replied, never looking back from the visor mirror where she was checking her lip gloss.

"The poolhouse," Ryan responded to Seth's questioning look, shrugging. He backed out of the parking lot.

Summer turned towards Seth. "Of all people, Cohen, I would think that you would you could recognize the ancient art of handling a weird situation with humor." She smiled, and despite the slightly bitchy quality to her voice, Seth knew she was trying, so he reciprocated.

"Summer, dear, whatever could be weird about hanging out with your overly talkative ex-boyfriend and his verbally unresponsive, facially expressive mute?"

You know what's cool, Seth thought as Summer laughed. Saying it outloud.

Ryan, however, was frowning. "I am not verbally unresponsive. I just don't feel it necessary to fill every silence with nearly incoherent babbling." He caught Seth's eyes in the rearview mirror and smiled.

Seth winced, clutching his check in mock pain. "Oh, you wound me. So, what is the plan for this afternoon? And before you even ask, Summer, we're not having a threesome."

Ryan snorted a laugh, and Summer rolled her eyes. "Oh, Cohen, you should be so lucky. I don't know, I just thought we could hang out. Let me get acclimated to the idea of you guys being, like, together. It's not like we never hang out anyway. And since Coop has holed herself up in her room with her vodka and her broken heart…" Summer trailed off as Ryan very visibly tensed up.

Seth subconsciously put his hand on Ryan's shoulder and squeezed affectionately.

Summer reached over and rested her hand on Ryan's arm. "I'm sorry, Ryan." Her voice was tender. "But, honestly, it's not your fault. You totally did the right thing by breaking up with her, and not just because you and Cohen discovered the love that dare not speak its name. She was poison for you." Summer removed her hand, and Ryan relaxed. Somehow, hearing it from Summer made it all a little more believable.

---------------------------

Summer stretched out on the couch. "God, I cannot wait for graduation. College is going to be so much better than this."

"Oh," Seth looked at Ryan as he sat beside him on the foot of the bed. "Remind me to later that there's something about college that we need to talk about."

Ryan looked confused, but nodded.

Summer looked up, her interest piqued. "What, we have secrets now?"

"Summer, we've always had secrets. Secrets are like water in Newport, and in case you haven't noticed, we live on a beach."

Summer threw a pillow at Seth, but he ducked at the last second and it beaned Ryan in the side of the head.

Ryan started to stand up. "I'm going to go get something to drink out of the line of fire. You guys have fun killing each other."

Summer jumped off the couch and started towards the door. "How about I go get some drinks and chips and you and Cohen have your super secret college conversation."

Seth stuck his tongue out at Summer, but was relieved. Because, seriously. Needed to talk to Ryan.

Summer casually flipped her middle finger at Seth as she exited the poolhouse, but they could hear her laughing as she walked out.

"So, what about college?" Ryan was confused.

"Okay, do you realize that, this fall, we're going to be roommates at Berkeley?"

"Yeeeeah?" Where was Seth going with this?

"So, we'll, like, live together."

"Seth, we've lived together as long as we've known each other. Technically, longer, since I didn't meet you until the second day I was here."

"True," Seth agreed. "But, at college, we'll be sharing a dorm room. Like, one room. With two beds, but still, one room."

Ryan smiled. "Would you prefer there were only one bed?"

Seth shook his head. "No, that's not…wait, maybe, yes, that could be nice, but wait, what was I saying?"

"For some reason, you were freaking out that we were going to be roommates at Berkeley."

"Right. I just…I don't want it to be weird now that we're…you know. Together. Like, do you think it'll be weird?" Seth looked genuinely concerned, and for some reason that totally melted Ryan.

"Seth, I think it'll be great. Really. As long as you're there, it'll be great." Ryan smiled at Seth and moved closer. "Besides, all that privacy, your parents a good drive away…couldn't be all bad, right?"

"I like the way you think, Ry." Seth smiled as he leaned in for a kiss.

"Hey, you guys, look who I found outsi--" Summer stopped short as she entered the door o the poolhouse.

Ryan and Seth broke apart quickly, and Ryan's heart was in his throat as he saw Marissa standing behind her, face frozen in disgust.

Marissa turned and ran down the stairs, and in a second Ryan was off the bed and following her.

Seth's eyes were huge, and he couldn't move. He felt like he should run after them, but he was paralyzed.

Summer was still standing in the doorway when Seth finally regained the ability to move. She moved to block him as he tried to follow Ryan and Marissa. "Don't, Seth. Just let Ryan handle it."

Seth sighed, and for a moment he considered trying to physically move Summer, but he thought better of it. Not like he could actually do it, anyway. Instead, he settled for sitting back down on the bed. Summer sat down beside him and rested her head on his shoulder. A slow smile crept across her face.

"I was right, you know. It was totally hot."

Seth reached over to grab a pillow to smack Summer, but she was already on her back, laughing and swinging her legs.

---------------------------

By the time Ryan caught up with Marissa, she was halfway to the beach.

"Marissa, just stop!" Ryan yelled as he grabbed her arm carefully.

"Get your hands off me!" Marissa screamed as she tried to pull away.

"Just stop. Yell all you want, but we're doing this right here, right now." Ryan loosened his grip on her arm but did not let go.

After a long silence, she sat down in the sand. Ryan sat down in front of her, waiting for her to say something.

"What the hell was that?" she finally said quietly, her voice shaking.

Ryan took a deep breath. "That," he spoke slowly. "That was me kissing Seth."

"I know that, Ryan," she spat bitterly. "Why?"

"I can't answer that, Marissa"

"So, what, you're gay now? That's why you broke up with me, so you could fuck your brother?"

"First of all, Marissa," Ryan answered angrily. "I didn't break up with you so that I could fuck anyone. I broke up with you because I no longer want to be with you."

Marissa opened her mouth to protest, but Ryan held up his hand to silence her.

"No. You asked, and now I'm answering. The only reason there was anything to break up in the first place is because I've been letting you play with my feelings for a while now. And I'm sick of it, Marissa. I do care about you, but I'm not in love with you."

"So, you're in love with Seth instead?" Marissa interrupted.

Ryan sighed. "If there were no Seth, I still wouldn't love you."

Marissa stared to cry again, and Ryan sat quietly for a moment. When she finally looked up, her face was streaked with tears.

"I love you, Ryan. I really do. And I promise I can change. I can, I really can. I—" she choked back another sob. "I can—"

"No, Marissa. No." Ryan looked down.

"Because of Seth." Marissa said his name venomously.

"No." Ryan responded, exasperatedly. "Have you heard anything I've said this entire time? This isn't about Seth. It's about me, and what I feel and what I want, and the fact that it's over. It has been for a while now, and for some reason we've both been too scared to end it. I'm not scared anymore." Ryan took another deep breath. "This isn't about you any more, Marissa."

"Then what is it about?" Marissa's voice was angry and shaking. "What the fuck is it about, Ryan? I don't understand how can you sit there and tell me you'd rather be with Seth than me."

"I'm not choosing between you and Seth, Marissa. Seth didn't make me stop loving you. Being with Seth didn't make me break up with you. It just makes this whole thing a little more bearable. Being with Seth makes everything bearable." Ryan looked down again.

"What does that mean, 'being with Seth'? So, now you're with Seth?" Ryan nodded in response. "When were you doing to tell me?"

"Well, honestly, I wasn't planning on telling you." Ryan looked up when Marissa audibly gasped.

"What, what do you mean, you weren't going to tell me?"

"Well, Marissa," Summer's voice behind her surprised her, and Marissa turned around to look up at her.

Summer continued. "This isn't really any of your business."

Marissa's shock deepened. "What, what?" she sputtered.

"It's not, Marissa. Contrary to popular belief, not everything is about you." Summer was pissed.

"Summer," Ryan started, trying to cool things off, but Summer was having none of it.

"No, Ryan. I am so fucking tired of this. You're not the only one she's treated like shit lately." Summer's voice wavered slightly. She looked at Marissa pointedly, then back at Ryan. "Could you give us some privacy, please? Coop and I need to talk."

Ryan stood up and nodded. Summer sat down in the sand next to Marissa. They both looked like they were on the verge of tears as they huddled together, talking in hushed tones.

Ryan walked back to the poolhouse and smiled when he saw Seth lain carelessly across the bed, a pillow over his head. He knocked quietly.

Seth looked up tentatively and was relieved to find Ryan leaning against the doorframe.

Ryan grinned despite himself. "Is this a private meditation session, or can I join?"

"Don't mock, Ryan. I was very deep in thought." Ryan crossed the room and sat down on the floor beside Seth's legs, resting his head on Seth's knee. "I see the reinforcements I sent arrived safely."

"They're talking," Ryan answered.

"Yeah. About us, no doubt."

"I'm sure."

"That is so beyond weird."

Ryan smiled. "I know. I never thought I'd say this, but I think I love Summer right now."

Seth grinned. "I'm not at all threatened by that, you know, if you were trying to make me jealous."

Ryan laughed, but his expression turned serious as he lifted his head to look at Seth. "What if she tells everyone?"

"Who, Summer?"

"No, Marissa. What if she tells everyone about us kissing?"

Seth thought for a moment. "I don't think she'd do that."

"Seth, c'mon. She told everyone about her mom and Caleb Nichol. She almost told everyone about her mom and Luke."

"Well, yes," Seth replied. "But that was mainly because she hates her mom with the fire of a thousand suns. I don't think we've quite reached that level of deep and pure hatred yet."

"I don't know, Seth." Ryan sounded worried.

"It's okay. If she tells, she tells. We'll deal with it." Ryan rested his head on Seth's knee again, and they sat in silence for a while.

Seth was just about to ask Ryan if he felt like playing some Playstation when Marissa and Summer reappeared in the doorway of the poolhouse. Ryan looked up, but no one moved for a moment. Summer took Marissa by the wrist and led her inside, and the two girls sat on the couch. Summer nudged Marissa and gestured in the direction of Ryan and Seth.

Marissa began to speak slowly. "I'm sorry." She cleared her throat, then started again. "I'm sorry. To both of you, for freaking out earlier, but especially to you, Ryan. I know—I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around." She looked down at her hands folded in her lap.

Ryan started to say something, but thought better of it. After a pause, Marissa started again.

"I've been pretty miserable lately, for a lot longer than I realized. And I was a horrible girlfriend. And the weird thing is that the whole time, part of me knew what a complete bitch I was being. It's like I just couldn't stop. But…Okay, honestly? This whole thing totally freaks me out." She waved her hand in the direction of Seth and Ryan. "And I do care about you, Ryan, but I just don't think I can handle this."

Ryan nodded in understanding. "I really never meant to hurt you."

Marissa nodded, too. "Me either." She stood and walked to the door, but turned around.

"I won't tell anyone. About you guys, I mean. I know it's not worth much, but I promise I won't tell. Just because I don't think I can be around you guys doesn't mean I hate you or anything."

"Thanks, Marissa." Seth said genuinely.

Ryan nodded. "Yes. Thank you."

Marissa shrugged. "You're welcome. Bye."

Summer, Seth and Ryan watched as she turned and walked out of the poolhouse.

"Wow. That was…" Summer trailed off.

"Yeah. You know, honestly, it wasn't as bad as I had imagined." Ryan shot Seth a look, but he continued. "No, seriously, man. That could have been much, much worse."

Summer nodded. "You know, Chino, he's right. And I finally got the chance to say some stuff I've been wanting to say for a long time, and I know you did too."

Ryan had to agree with her. He did feel…relieved. Hugely, amazingly, breath-takingly relieved. He turned to Seth. "Playstation?"

Seth nodded in agreement as Summer stood up. "Okay, fellas, as much fun as this so wasn't, I'm going home. I'm hungry, and I need a bath."

"Bye, Summer," the boys replied in unison as Seth cued up the Playstation.

She stopped at the door and turned around. "You know, Cohen, this is the first time in two years that I've mentioned being naked in water and you haven't said something dorky and pervy."

Seth smiled cautiously. "And that's…?"

"Interesting," Summer replied, but she was smiling too. "But I can deal. Later!"

Ryan looked at Seth, eyebrows raised. "What's up with that?"

Seth leaned over and kissed him quickly. "I don't know. But it's kinda cool."

Ryan took the controller from Seth and smiled. The worst, he thought, was over.


	9. Come Back to Bed

**A/N:** I know, I don't own _The O.C._ Don't remind me. In other news, who's the bestest beta in the whole wide world? Who is? Who is? Yes, that's right. Sarah. Yes, she is.

_You can be mad in the morning  
Or the afternoon instead  
But don't leave me  
98 and 6 degrees of separation from you, baby  
Come back to bed_  
  
--"Come Back to Bed," John Mayer

* * *

"So, how was Prom?"

Kirsten was removing lids from take-out containers while Seth and Ryan set the table. It was the first time the boys had really gotten to talk to Sandy and Kirsten since The Kiss (Seth decided it deserved capital letters, and for once Ryan agreed) and it was a lot less awkward than Seth had been dreading.

Surprisingly, Ryan spoke first. "Prom was…interesting. We didn't really stay that long, actually."

"Was it as awful as you were expecting?" Sandy asked, grinning as he spooned salad onto his plate.

"It wasn't so bad," Ryan shrugged.

"The decorations were a major let-down." Seth shook his head in mock disappointment.

Ryan smiled slightly at the way Seth's curls bounced as he shook his head from side to side. Ever since The Kiss, Ryan started to notice little things about Seth that had somehow escaped him before. Like Seth's bouncy, crazy curls. And how long his eyelashes were. And how there were gold flecks in the brown of his eyes…

"Ryan?" Kirsten leaned over and touched his arm, stirring him from his observations. He turned and looked at her.

"Hmm?"

Kirsten smiled. "I said, did you have a good time?"

Ryan shook his head. "Not at Prom, no." He paused for a moment and took a drink of his Coke. "Marissa got a little drunk, and so we left and went to Holly's. She passed out, so we took her and Summer home and came back here."

Sandy frowned, and Kirsten got that look, the "worried about Ryan" look. Sandy tried to smile.

"So, to sum up, Prom and the after-party sucked. Sounds like all the Cohen traditions are firmly in place."

Seth gave Ryan a smile with his eyes. "The whole party didn't suck. Just the Drunken-Marissa-Passing-Out part."

Sandy shrugged. "You always did have to buck tradition, didn't you, son?" He laughed as Seth rolled his eyes.

Kirsten leaned over to Ryan. "I'm sorry about Marissa," she almost-whispered, her voice tinged with concern.

"It's okay." And, honestly, it was. "We, uh, we actually broke up." He cleared his throat. "I, uh, I broke up with her."

"Good for you, Ryan."

"Sandy," Kirsten said, warningly. Sandy looked at her.

"No, Kirsten, I mean it. Ryan was in an unhealthy relationship, and he got himself out of it." He looked back at Ryan. "That's very mature, Ryan. I'm proud of you."

Ryan just nodded, but in his heart, he knew that Sandy _was_ proud. And that still felt good.

"So, Dad," Seth spoke up. "If you're handing out parental validation for ended relationships, you'll be interested to know that Summer and I have amicably dissolved our relationship, as well."

Sandy stared at Seth, fork raised. Kirsten blinked a few times.

"What?" Seth looked around the table.

"Nothing. We're just surprised, that's all," Kirsten replied, and Sandy finished his bite.

Seth shrugged, too. "It's okay. I mean, we're still friends, but in a few months we'll be on opposite ends of the continent, so it made better sense to end it now, as opposed to after she moved and we grew apart, and all that coming-of-age college transition stuff happened."

"Huh," Sandy said, still looking at Seth.

"What?" Seth exclaimed. "Ryan makes mature, adult decisions, and you're proud of him. I do the same, and all I get is shock and mild dismay?"

Sandy smirked. "I'm sorry, Seth. You also made a very mature life decision. I am also proud of you."

"Too little, too late. I'm going to have to note this in my 'Why Seth Will Eventually Need Therapy' file."

Ryan stood up, plate in hand. "Seth, why don't you and your parental issues help me clean up?"

Seth mouthed "ha" as he grimaced at Ryan, but he stood up and stacked his plate on top of Sandy's.

"Thanks, guys," Kirsten smiled. "We're going to watch a movie. Want us to wait on you?"

"We could make popcorn," Sandy offered.

"Ah, I think I'll pass tonight. Thanks, though." Seth replied.

"Ryan?"

"No, thank you, but I should probably study."

"By which, of course, he means getting his ass kicked at Playstation." Seth grinned.

"Seth, don't say ass," Kirsten said as she refilled her glass.

"So," Sandy began as they finished clearing the table. "That must have been some prom. Now you'll be two young, single guys at college, huh?"

Kirsten smiled. "Aren't the girls in Berkeley lucky?"

Ryan choked as he tried to finish his Coke, and Seth patted him on the back as he made his way to the sink. "Yes, I'm sure we'll be quite the force to be reckoned with." He smiled at Ryan as he stood beside him at the sink.

Sandy patted Ryan on the back. "Well, at least you still have each other."

Ryan shot Seth an amused sideways glance as Seth stifled a laugh. "Yes, Dad, still a very wise observation."

-----------------------------------------

"So, seriously, you're studying tonight?" Seth started the dishwasher as Ryan dried his hands.

Ryan nodded. "Yeah, man, I've got an AP Calculus exam tomorrow that is going to kill me."

"I could help you," Seth tentatively offered.

Ryan frowned at Seth. "By help, do you mean help? Or do you mean annoy and distract me until I completely give up all hope of ever passing?"

Seth sighed. "I mean, help. I have an A in AP Calculus, thankyouverymuch. I'm quite gifted, really."

Ryan paused to consider Seth's offer. He could use some help studying, but 9 out of ten study sessions with Seth ended in Playstation. No, make that ten. But, if Seth was serious about helping…

"Okay. I could use the help."

Seth grinned. "Awesome!" He and Ryan headed toward the poolhouse, and something about the mischievous glint in Seth's eye gave Ryan the impression he was doomed.

Once in the poolhouse, Seth grabbed Ryan's book and settled on the couch. He tossed a notebook and a pencil at Ryan, who sat on his bed resting against the headboard.

"Okay," Seth said, flipping through Ryan's book. "Where do we need to start?"

Ryan checked his notes. "Um, let's try..." He was staring at his notes, trying to ignore the fact that Seth's shirt was just a little bit too short, and the way Seth was crouched in the seat with the book in his lap, there was a thin line of pale skin visible at his hips. This was not an ideal learning environment. "Velocity," he squeaked.

Seth found the appropriate page, and began to read a question aloud. "Okay, the velocity of an object moving along the _x_- axis is given by v(t) = 38 .1_t_ cubed minus the square root of _t_. At time _t_ = 0, the object is at _x_ = 100. Where is it at time _t_ = 9?"

Ryan scribbled furiously, copying the question as Seth read aloud, but somewhere about .1t he accidentally looked up again, and Seth was laying on the couch, one arm behind his head, one propping the book up on his chest, and his pelvic bone was perfectly visible, and Ryan swallowed hard and quickly looked back down at his notes. He had maybe half the problem.

"Uh, Seth?" Ryan didn't dare look up again.

"Yeah?"

"Can you repeat the problem? I only got half of it." Ryan looked up, and he thought he saw Seth's eyes flicker, but Seth just began to repeat the problem. Only this time, Ryan was looking at Seth's mouth when Seth began to speak, and had he always done that thing with his lips? That curling, slightly lisping thing? And did his voice always sound like that? And had the skin underneath his arm always been so white and soft-looking? Ryan closed his eyes and tried to find his concentration. He was fairly certain he had left it in the kitchen.

"Hey, Ry?"

Ryan opened his eyes and Seth was sitting down beside him on the bed. Ryan swallowed. His mouth was dry. "Hmm?" he said, trying for nonchalant but landing somewhere around seriously distracted.

"Are you paying attention to the question?"

Ryan nodded. "Yeah, I just…"

Seth moved closer to Ryan. "Cause I don't think you were paying attention to the question, Ry." Seth took the pencil from Ryan's hand. "I don't think you were paying one tiny iota of attention to the question." Ryan looked up, and Seth was grinning. "I saw you watching me at dinner."

"What are you talking about? I was not."

Seth's grin expanded. "You so were, Ryan. You were totally checking me out at dinner."

"I was not," Ryan protested feebly.

Seth took the notebook from Ryan and set it to the side, moving his hand to Ryan's hip. "Mm-hmm." Seth leaned over and kissed Ryan's temple. Ryan jumped, and moved away quickly. "Seth! Your parents!"

"Are watching a boring movie. In the house. Which is not the poolhouse. Where we are." Seth moved closer to Ryan and punctuated his sentence fragments with tiny kisses along the side of Ryan's neck. Ryan shuddered slightly, but tried in vain to remain strong.

"Calculus," he whispered.

"Is totally boring. And useless. Math is for nerds, Ryan." Another kiss, lingering longer, in the curve of Ryan's collarbone.

"I thought you had an A in calculus?" Ryan smiled.

Seth kissed the soft skin behind Ryan's ear. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Are we arguing over whether I'm a nerd, or are we making out?"

Ryan sighed and leaned into Seth. College, schmollege. He wrapped his arms around Seth, but…

Waitaminute.

"Seth." Ryan pushed Seth's shoulders back and looked at him.

"Hmm?"

"You never intended to help me study, did you?" Ryan eyed him suspiciously.

Seth sighed. "I happen to know, for a fact, that you have an A in Calculus. I grade all the tests, remember? You could walk in and pee on this test and you would still pass Calculus." Ryan curled his lips at the image. "However, I did intend to help you. Just not with Calculus." Seth grinned goofily as he leaned to kiss Ryan's neck again.

Ryan really wanted to be mad, really he did, but Seth's mouth was so warm against his neck, and Seth's chest felt so good pressed against his, and he figured he could be mad tomorrow, when there wasn't such a perfect opportunity to slide his hands up the back of Seth's shirt and make Seth gasp like that.

He'd be mad tomorrow.


	10. Stellar

_How do you do it  
make me feel like I do  
how do you do it  
it's better than I ever knew  
how do you do it  
make me feel like I do  
you are stellar_

_--"Stellar," Incubus_

* * *

Ryan closed his eyes, winced slightly, and rang the doorbell. When no one answered immediately, he turned and started to walk away, but paused when he heard the familiar clicking of high heels on marble. He stood still for a moment, seriously considering making a run for it, when the front door swung open.

"Ryan. Hey." Summer looked surprised.

"Hey Summer."

Summer stepped outside the door to look around Ryan. "Where's Cohen?"

Ryan shrugged. "I don't know. He said he had something super top secret to do after school," he responded, punctuating with air quotes in a dead-on impression of Seth. "The last time I saw him, he was humming the theme to _Mission Impossible_ and trying to sneak off campus. Very badly."

Summer snorted a laugh. "He's such a freak. Oh, God, duh. I'm sorry. Do you want to come in?" Summer walked inside, and Ryan followed.

Summer turned to him and almost-whispered, "The junkie's spending the afternoon at home, unfortunately." She started up the stairs and again, Ryan followed wordlessly. Once in her room, Summer plopped down on her bed and took off her shoes, tossing them effortlessly in the bottom of her closet. Ryan walked around slowly, deciding at least to sit in the chair at her desk.

"So, Ryan…what's up?" Summer eyed him curiously.

"Nothing much. What's up with you?"

Summer smiled. "So, not to be rude or anything, but did you just come over to hang out? 'Cause we've known each other for almost two years now, but I wasn't aware we had progressed to the 'hanging out with Coop or Cohen' phase yet. Not that I mind, cos I was just going to repaint my toenails, and I can always use a spare hand, but I have a feeling you came here for something specific not involving my feet, so what's up?"

Ryan blinked once. It seemed that he was the only one who could spend time with Seth and not pick up the rambly-speech habit. He looked at Summer seriously and took a deep breath. "I need your help."

Summer returned his serious gaze. "Is everything okay? Did something happen with you and Seth?"

Ryan shook his head. "No, everything's fine with Seth. Better than fine, actually. It's just that since The Kiss--"

"Wait," Summer interjected. "Are you capitalizing events now?" She smiled knowingly.

Ryan sighed and his cheeks flushed.

Summer reapplied her serious face. "I'm sorry, I won't interrupt again. You were saying. . ."

"So, ever since…you know…things have been really great, but we graduate in a week and I'm pretty sure Caleb is taking Seth to Barcelona for the summer, and I'm going to be interning with Kirsten. So, since this is our last week of normalcy, I wanted to, um. . ." Ryan's cheeks flushed as he trailed off. He shook his head and looked up to see Summer looking at him expectantly.

"You want to. . . what?" Summer asked.

Ryan shook his head again. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't even be talking about this with you. You're Seth's ex-girlfriend." He stood up and moved to leave, but Summer stopped him.

"I'm Seth's friend, Ryan. And I'm your friend, too."

Ryan smirked. "I thought we didn't know each other that well."

Summer sighed and rolled her eyes. "That was, like, ten minutes ago, Ryan. Let go of the past." She ushered him back towards the bed, pushed him down, and sat down across from him. "Okay, so, you were saying?"

Ryan took another breath, but he had to admit it was a lot easier talking to Summer than he had expected. He smiled a small smile.

"I want to take Seth on a date. A real date," Ryan continued, ignoring Summer's ridiculous grin. "We're not going to see other much this summer, and I would like to do something special before school ends."

"That is so cute!" Summer squealed. Ignoring the glare of doom, she continued, "So what do you need my help with?"

"Well, I can't exactly take him to the Lighthouse," Ryan explained. "No one even knows, except you, and I'd like to keep it that way, at least until we get to Berkeley. So. . ."

"You need some place outside of Newport. Some place discreet." Summer finished. "I can do that." She thought for a moment, then "OH! I've got the perfect place. It's this AMAZING Italian place about 45 minutes from here. My dad told me about it. I think he used to take his girlfriends there. Anyway, it's really small, and private, and far enough from Newport so no one should see you. It'd be perfect!" Summer jumped off the bed and walked to her desk, firing up her iBook. "We can Mapquest the driving directions," she said, crossing her legs in the chair.

"Cool. Thanks." Ryan leaned back against the post at the foot of Summer's bed. "Seriously. Thank you."

Summer smiled as she typed. "You're welcome." As the directions started printing, she turned to Ryan again. "Who would've thought that the thing we'd have in common would be Seth?"

Ryan smiled. "Yeah, I wouldn't have imagined that the key to our friendship would be sharing a boyfriend." Ryan paused.

"What?"

"I've just never…I've never said it like that before. Outloud, I mean. I've never actually called Seth my boyfriend."

"And how does it feel?"

Ryan thought for a moment, then smiled. "Cool. Weird, but good."

Summer smiled as she handed the directions to Ryan. "That's exactly how it feels hearing it."

Ryan stood up, folded the papers, and stuck them in his back pocket. "I'd better go. Thanks, again. For everything."

"You're welcome, again. For everything." Summer led Ryan back downstairs and to the door. "Ryan," she said, pausing in the doorway. "I care about Seth a lot. He's pretty much my best friend. And he's really happy with you. So, I'm happy." Ryan smiled, his ears turning pink. "However, it goes without saying that if you hurt him, they will never find your body. I'm just saying." Summer smiled as she closed the door. "Bye!"

Ryan laughed as he walked to the truck. _So_, he thought. _I'm taking my boyfriend on a date arranged by his ex-girlfriend who has rage blackouts. Never a dull moment. _Ryan smiled to himself as he pulled away from Summer's house.

-----------------------------------------

Ryan's smile morphed into a full-fledged grin as he saw Seth sprawled on his bed as he entered the poolhouse. Ryan closed the door carefully. Remembering that Kirsten and Sandy wouldn't be home until late, Ryan walked quietly to the bed and lay down beside Seth, propped up on his elbow. Ryan's heart fluttered a little as he watched Seth's chest rise and fall rhythmically. He hated the idea of spending the summer away from Seth, but he knew that visiting Barcelona would be an amazing experience. And as much as he hated to think about Seth leaving in a few weeks, if that, he had a feeling it would make living together at Berkeley that much better.

He smiled as he gently pushed the curls back from Seth's forehead, knowing full well that they would spring right back into place. Ryan tried pushing them back again, and laughed softly as they bounced right back.

"What exactly are you doing?" Seth's voice had that 'just woke up' quality, and he didn't open his eyes.

"Playing with your hair," Ryan responded matter-of-factly.

Seth opened his eyes to a squint and looked at Ryan. "That's awfully minty of you."

"Yeah." Ryan leaned down and kissed Seth lightly. "So's that."

Seth smiled and rolled towards Ryan. "I love minty."

"Mm-hmm," Ryan murmured, and kissed Seth again. Seth sighed and leaned into Ryan's chest. When he slid his hand down to the small of Ryan's back, he felt something strange. Grabbing the papers, he pulled away from Ryan.

"What's this?" Seth asked.

"Nothing." Ryan tried to take the papers back from Seth, but Seth jumped off the bed and raced around to the other side. "What is it?"

"It's nothing, Seth. Give it back, please."

Seth smiled mischievously. "Why? Is it a secret?" Seth raced around the bed, dodging imaginary obstacles, a huge, goofy grin on his face. Ryan sighed deeply and leaned his head to one side, watching Seth curiously. When Seth figured out Ryan wasn't going to chase him, he stopped spastically darting around the room and looked disappointed.

Ryan broke out into a huge grin and tackled Seth to the bed. He pinned Seth's arms to the bed and leaned over him, smiling victoriously. "You're so predictable. Like a puppy. No one will play with you, so you pout."

Seth looked up at Ryan indignantly. "I am not like a puppy," he said, his lower lip protruding.

"Then what exactly would you call that face?"

"It's not a puppy face. It's a 'my boyfriend is a big bully' face." Seth's eyes widened when he realized what he had just said. "I mean, um. . . I mean—" he fumbled for words.

Ryan moved to sit down beside Seth. "You didn't mean that?"

Seth sat up quickly. "No, I did. I mean. . .I did mean that." He cleared his throat. "Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes I meant you're my boyfriend. I mean, I know you are. I just haven't said it, like, outloud, you know?"

Ryan nodded. "I do know. I said the same thing to Summer today—"

"Wait, when did you talk to Summer?"

Busted. "This afternoon. I went to her house."

"Why?"

"Because I needed her help with something."

"Does this something have to do with those papers there?" Seth said, pointing around Ryan's back.

Ryan nodded.

"Ryan," Seth pouted. "I want to know the secret."

"Well, I was going to tell you," Ryan kissed Seth quickly. "But now I think I'll make you wait."

Seth groaned. "Ry-an. I'm not a good waiter. And by that, I mean I am neither very patient, nor do I have the manual dexterity to wait tables. I'm not good at balancing things on trays." Seth made his very best puppy dog face. "Please, Ryan? I want to know the secret. I am also not above throwing a massive tantrum."

"You know, I completely believe you."

Seth propped himself up on his elbow. "Definitely. What do the mystery papers hold? A map to buried treasure with which we can save the Goondocks?"

"Um, no." Ryan looked confused.

Seth sighed. "Ryan, man, did you even, like, glance at the _Seth Cohen Starter Kit_? I'm thinking that you didn't. Because if you did, and I were to ask you if there were buried treasure, one-eyed pirates, and a deformed guy named Sloth, you would have a glimmer of recognition. I'm not feeling recognized, Ry." Seth shook his head in semi-mock disappointment.

Ryan shook his head, as well, but more out of slight frustration and awe at the inner workings of Seth's mind than anything. "Summer's right. You are weird." He handed Seth the folded papers.

Seth held them, though, not looking at them, but at Ryan.

"You and Summer talked about me?"

"Seth! Do you want to know or not?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. Sheesh." Seth unfolded the papers and read them carefully. "It's a map to a restaurant. In San Clemente."

Ryan nodded. "Yes it is, Seth."

"Why?"

"I want to take you there. For dinner. Tomorrow night." Ryan could feel the blush creeping back into his cheeks. This was easier with Summer.

Seth smiled. "Like, a date?"

Ryan nodded.

"I thought we didn't do dates."

"No, I said I wouldn't be bringing you flowers and picking you up. And I won't be bringing you flowers, and we'll be meeting each other in the living room, so technically I won't be picking you up."

Seth smiled at Ryan's careful plans. "So, when are we going on this date?"

"Tomorrow night, I was thinking."

"What about the anniversary dinner?"

"Well, your mom told me today that we had been granted a 'stay of execution.' She said that with everything that happened between me and Marissa at Prom, she would understand if I didn't want to go. So, obviously, that means you, too, because—"

"—the aforementioned massive tantrums. Right. So, that's awesome. Not only are we spared a celebration of the shocking one year anniversary of my grandfather's marriage to your ex-girlfriend's mother, but we get to go on a date."

"So, it's cool then? The date thing?" Ryan looked uncertain.

Seth smiled. "Yes. Definitely."

"Okay, great." He glanced at the clock on his nightstand. "It's getting late. Wanna go get something to eat?"

"We could order pizza?" Seth offered. "Which is great, by the way, because they just bring that to you. You don't even have to leave the house. Or the poolhouse. Whichever." Seth leaned back against the headboard and smiled.

Ryan stood up to get the phone. "Sounds like a plan." Ryan dialed the number, then leaned back next to Seth. "Uh, yeah, I need to place an order for delivery. Cohen, yes. Um, two large pepperoni pizzas with mushrooms, black olives, and onions."

Seth turned suddenly and Ryan and mouthed_, "No onions!"_ with wide eyes.

"What?" Ryan mouthed, trying to listen to the guy on the other end of the phone.

"No onions. Tell him, no onions," Seth whispered.

"What?" Ryan said again, aloud this time. When the pizza guy started to repeat himself, Ryan said, "No, I'm sorry. Can I change that to no onions, please? Yes, that's right. Pepperoni, mushrooms, black olives. Okay, thanks, man." Ryan clicked the phone off and looked at Seth, slightly annoyed. "What was that all about?"

Seth curled into Ryan's side and kissed the side of his neck softly. "Onions equal bad breath, which equals no kissing. And that's very bad, Ryan. Very bad indeed." Seth leaned in and kissed Ryan softly on he lips as he traced along Ryan's collarbone.

As he leaned into the kiss, Ryan figured he could learn to love pizza without onions.


	11. Our Lives

_Open our hearts and fill up the emptiness  
With nothing to stop us  
Is it not worth the risk?  
...these are the moments, these are the times  
Let's make the best out of our lives_

_--"Our Lives," The Calling_

_

* * *

_

"Summer's Dating Service: Planning Dates for Ex-boyfriends and Their New Boyfriends Since Yesterday, Summer speaking, how may I help you?" Summer smiled as she started her car.

"Summer?"

"Cohen?" Summer had a mild heart attack as it occurred to her that she had read the caller-ID wrong. When she heard the plaintive wail of a skinny white guy and a guitar in the background, though, she shook her head. "Cohen."

"Oh, sorry, I thought for a minute you were trying to be witty, so I obviously had the wrong number. Summer, listen, I need your help."

"Well, that sounds familiar. Listen, it's dating, okay? You're not trying to foster good relations between warring countries. It's just, like, dinner and making out. Why is that so hard?"

Seth sighed. "Summer, I'm serious. I need to talk to you." Seth glanced around quickly. "Privately," he whispered.

"Why are you whispering?"

"I don't know," he whispered, then thought about it. His voice returned to its regular volume. "I just am. Listen, can you meet me at your house in, like, thirty minutes?"

"Fine, but be warned. I've been shopping all day. There will be trying on of shoes."

Seth rolled his eyes. "You know, sugar, I'm so desperate that sounds downright pleasant. See you in thirty."

Summer clicked her phone closed as she pulled out of the parking deck. Now what?

-----------------------------------------

Seth was waiting outside in the driveway when Summer got home. She didn't even stop to wonder how long he had been there. She unloaded three of her four bags on him, and he followed her upstairs to her room. He dropped the bags on her bed, and she sat down and began unpacking boxes.

Seth, however, wandered around the room, discreetly opening drawers and looking in cabinets as Summer checked over her new acquisitions. He slammed a door shut suddenly as she looked up at him.

"Seth, what the hell are you doing?"

"What? Oh, um, nothing. Sorry."

"Are you looking for something?"

"What?" Seth replied guiltily. "No, I just…" he trailed off as his cheeks flushed.

"What" Summer repeated, trying on a pair of lavender Dolce & Gabbana heels.

"Do you think it's possible to literally die of embarrassment?"

Summer looked up at him. "You never, ever make sense. What are you talking about?"

Seth swallowed. "I am about to ask you something, and there is a very serious possibility that I might die from embarrassment. Seriously. I can feel my pulse quickening."

"What could be that embarrassing? Just ask, Seth. It cannot possibly be worse than telling me you're now in a gay relationship with your best friend, who is also your sort-of brother. God."

Seth wrinkled his nose. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Say things in a way that makes them sound so incredibly uncomplicated and kinda gross?"

Summer shrugs. "It's a gift. Stop avoiding the subject at hand."

Seth took a deep breath and spoke quickly. "Okay, remember that time last winter when you were really pissed at your dad because he decided to take your step-mom skiing over Christmas and didn't invite you and you decided to order hundreds of dollars worth of porn with his credit card to see if he'd notice, and we really ended up only buying one, and he never noticed anyway, and out of morbid curiosity we watched it together and it was really uncomfortable and slightly gross and we didn't have sex for, like, a week afterwards because it was just wrong?"

Summer blinked. "Yeeeah?"

Seth winced. "Doyoustillhaveit?"

"What? Why? Ew, no, Cohen. That was gross and wrong and not of this earth. I got rid of it. Why? Ew. Why?"

The red crept to the top of Seth's ears, and his eyes were still closed. "No reason," he squeaked. He opened his eyes and headed for the door. "Well, this has been just loads of fun, but I've got to go now, got a big date to get ready for, thanks for, um, nothing, I'll see you later." He almost made it out the door, but Summer blocked him.

"Cohen. Why do you want that tape?"

"Summer," Seth pleaded, but she backed him back into the room.

"Cohen," she warned, and he knew that the only way he was getting out of that room alive was to level with her.

"Summer, I have a date with Ryan tonight. And, after the date, there will be kissing, like there has been for the past two weeks. And, eventually, The Kissing is going to become The Groping, which is going to lead to The Moaning and The Gasping, and then there will be The Sex, and if you think our first experience with The Sex was bad, oh, honey. I have a feeling it can, and will, be much, much worse, because I know nothing about The Sex with boys. Of any variety, specifically the variety that has had lots of The Sex with girls." Seth lowered his head. "I just thought, maybe…"

Summer sat down beside Seth and put her hand on his shoulder. "Seth. Don't you think you might be rushing this just a little?"

"Summer, we had sex on practically our first date."

"True." Summer thought for a moment. "So, basically, you're worried that you and Ryan are going to have sex tonight and you're going to suck. Or, maybe, not suck. Whatever. "

Seth nodded.

"But Ryan's never had sex with a guy either, right? So what makes you think he has any idea what he's doing?"

"Summer, he's Ryan" Seth responded, as though that were the only answer anyone would need. When Summer shot him a confused look, he continued. "He's Ryan. He exudes sex. He is sex personified. I'm pretty sure that in a foreign language, 'Ryan' means 'one who knows everything about sex.' Besides, even if he doesn't, just once I would like not to be the completely awkward and inexperienced one."

"Okay, you know what, I can understand that. Really. But I'm telling you right now, a really nasty porn? Not the best way to be learning, Seth."

"Well, do you have a better idea?"

"Yeah, I totally do."

-----------------------------------------

Ryan unplugged the iron and set it upright on the ironing board. He hung his shirt on the doorknob, and turned to try and find some clean socks when he heard a soft knock at the door.

"Come in," he answered, without looking up.

"Hey, Ryan," a timid voice responded.

Ryan whirled around, surprised. "Hey, Marissa," he said, cautiously.

Marissa smiled a small smile. "Don't worry, I'm unarmed. Are you busy?" she asked, gesturing to the freshly ironed shirt.

"Um, no. I'm just, um, getting ready for, um, a date." Ryan coughed.

"So, you're not coming to the anniversary party?"

"No. We're not coming." Ryan looked down.

"Oh, okay. Well, nevermind then. I was just going to tell you…I just wanted to tell you that you didn't have to worry about me being weird tonight, but since you're not going to be there, then nevermind."

"Thanks."

She shrugged. "I meant what I said. I don't hate you, Ryan. I mean, this is all kinda weird, and I don't really know how to process it all. There's this huge part of me that just wants to go to Boston and start all over, and forget everything here. Does that make sense?"

Ryan gave her a small smile, and she blushed slightly. "Yeah, I guess you of all people would understand, huh?"

"I meant what I said, too. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know, Ryan. I think, most of all, I hurt myself." Her face was serious, but then she smiled again. "Okay, I'm only allowed one major insight a day, and that was so it, so I'm going to go get ready for the party." She turned towards the door, but looked at Ryan once more. "You look different. Happy. It suits you."

Ryan smiled. "It's nice. I'm kinda getting used to it."

"Well, I'll see you around." She waved slightly, then walked out the poolhouse and down the stairs.

Ryan exhaled deeply, and resumed his search.

-----------------------------------------

"Summer, I can't do this."

"Seth, you have one a half hours before your big date. Which means either we do this, or you have the equivalent of fish sex with Ryan. It's your call."

Summer put one hand on her hip, and handed Seth a condom covered banana. "Trust me, this is how I learned, and I didn't hear any complaints." She looked at Seth pointedly.

Seth paused, considering the truth of Summer's statement, but protested again, weakly. "Summer, I cannot do this."

"Seth, if you can't give a banana a blow job, how do you ever hope to give one to Ryan?"

Seth sighed, closed his eyes, and took the banana from Summer. What the hell, right?

"Okay, so the most important thing to remember is to keep your teeth out of the way, because biting is no one's friend. At least not in this case. So, practice."

Seth hesitated, then set the banana down on the counter. "Okay, seriously? Cannot do this. I'm sorry. Just give me some more pointers and let me go get ready for my date."

Summer sighed impatiently. "So, basically, I just wasted a banana. And a condom. Great." She sighed and threw the banana in the trash. "Okay, honestly, despite the fact that I totally would have paid a lot of money to see you with that banana, it's really not a big deal. I mean, it's sex. It's going to be weird and awkward and uncomfortable no matter what you do. Just, like, think about what you like. Chances are Ryan's the same. You're all the same, basically. So I hear." She shrugged. "Just don't stress about it, cos then you'll be a total spazz all night. Just relax." She took a deep breath, and Seth did the same.

"Relax. Right. It's not a big deal. I'm cool."

"Well, I wouldn't go that far." Summer smiled and glanced at the clock above the sink. "Okay, you have, like an hour. You have to leave right now."

She pushed Seth up and out the door. At the doorway, she hugged him quickly.

"What was that for?"

"I don't know. I love you, you big fruit." She slapped his arm playfully. "Now, go get ready for your big date. And don't mess with your hair too much. It looks best when you just leave it alone, okay?'

Seth grinned and kissed Summer quickly on the cheek. "I love you, too."

Seth bounced to the car, and Summer waved after him. "Call me tomorrow!"

Seth waved as he backed out of Summer's driveway.


	12. Hands Down

My heart is yours to fill or burst  
To break or bury  
Or wear as jewelry  
Whichever you prefer  
  
--"Hands Down," Dashboard Confessional

* * *

Ryan stood outside Seth's door, hand poised to knock, then shook his head and took a step back. He should just go back downstairs and wait. It was only ten after seven, and knowing Seth he was still picking out a shirt. Seth's an incredibly organized person, but he can spend an hour deciding between two T-shirts. It's something Ryan's never really understood, but he accepts it. He realized that he never told Seth it was a nice restaurant with a tie policy, but he figured Seth's probably figured that out from the pictures and the fact that he got the suggestion from Summer.

Just when he'd decided to head back downstairs, Seth opened the door to his room and barreled out, almost knocking Ryan down.

"Whoa, hey, sorry. Are you okay?"

Ryan smiled at the sight of Seth in a light green shirt, thin black tie, and brown sweater. "Yeah, I'm fine. You look great."

Seth blushed slightly, and grabbed Ryan's hand. "Thanks. You too." No one can wear a shirt quite like Ryan, Seth thought as they walked towards the stairs, and he took care to notice the way the crisp black fabric hugged Ryan's shoulders and chest. Seth paused at the bottom of the stairs, and looked Ryan up and down. "I mean it, man. You look awesome."

Ryan grinned. "Thanks. I even tied my own tie," he says, straightening his light grey tie self-consciously.

Seth laughed. "Very impressive. So, are we ready?"

Ryan gave Seth a quick kiss. "Ready."

-----------------------------------------

"So, what looks good?" Seth asked, peering over his menu.

"Um, I'm not sure," Ryan answered, straightening his tie uncomfortably. He frowned and looked down at his menu, but nothing sounded good.

"Yeah, me either," Seth replied, eyeing Ryan curiously. He reached for his water glass. "So, can you believe we graduate in a week?" he asked, sipping the water, attempting to drown the butterflies in his stomach. He was trying to focus on the menu, but for some reason, every entrée looked like "Sex with Ryan" and he was pretty sure they didn't serve that kind of thing here. He cleared his throat.

"Yeah, I know. Weird." Ryan responded absent-mindedly. He adjusted his tie again.

"Ryan?"

"Hmm?"

"What the hell are we doing?"

Ryan looked up at Seth, surprised. "What do you mean?"

"I just…I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate all of this, because I do. It's so awesome that you talked to Summer, and planned this whole date, but…we're wearing ties. You hate ties, I hate ties, ties are no one's friend, Ry. And this restaurant?" Seth continued, motioning around. "Is really nice and all, but it doesn't exactly scream 'Seth and Ryan,' you know? So, I'm just wondering…what are we doing?"

Ryan looked around, watching the over-dressed couples peer at each other. He looked back at Seth and shrugged. "I don't know. I just wanted…I just wanted to do something special, I guess, and Summer suggested this place, and I thought it would be great. But it's…it's not great, is it?"

Seth smiled. "It's not so great that we're wearing ties and sitting in a fancy restaurant and making awkward small-talk, no. That part is not so great." Seth paused, then reached his arm across the table and touched Ryan's hand lightly. "It is great, however, that you planned all this for me. It's sweet. Incredibly cheesey, but sweet."

Ryan returned Seth's smile. "So, what do you say we get the hell out of here?"

"I think that's the best idea ever." Seth grinned as he stood up. Ryan followed Seth outside.

Once they were back in the truck, Seth leaned over and tugged on Ryan's tie. "I think these can go," he said, grinning. Ryan smiled back and removed his tie. Seth pulled his tie out from under his sweater and slipped it over his head. "Much better. So, I really am starving. And the rules of dating do require that you provide me with a meal."

Ryan smiled as he started the car. "How about Chinese take-out on the beach?"

-----------------------------------------

Seth grabbed the take-out boxes. "Ready?"

Ryan grabbed some things from the back seat. A small jolt of terror ran through Seth as he noticed Ryan was carrying a blanket. If Ryan brought a blanket to the beach, he was expecting The Sex, right? Seth swallowed determinedly, and for the only time in his life, he wished he had given the banana a blow job. Seth laughed suddenly at the absurd thought.

"What?" Ryan asked curiously.

"Nothing. Just…bananas." Seth replied cryptically, smiling.

Ryan shook his head. "Whatever you say."

They walked to the beach hand-in-hand. Ryan sat the basket down, spread the blanket out and sat down.

"So, what's in the basket?" Seth asked as he unwrapped his chopsticks.

Ryan opened the lid of the basket and handed Seth a Mountain Dew. "Drinks. And a radio," he said, lifting it out and setting it on the blanket beside them. "And a comic book, in case I get bored."

Seth laughed through a mouth of lo mein. "Funny."

Ryan unwrapped his plastic fork and opened his shrimp fried rice. "This is so much better than forty dollar lasagna."

"I totally agree. I mean, the restaurant was nice, but it was weird. We were making small talk. How weird was that?"

Ryan nodded. "I know, I noticed that." He chewed thoughtfully. "Why?"

"Why was it weird?" Ryan nodded. "I don't know. I think…I think we were trying to have an average person's romantic date, you know? Get dressed up, go to a fancy restaurant, that kind of thing. But we're not average, and this isn't average. We're us. We need to date like us. Just because we're a couple now, instead of best friends, doesn't mean we're totally different people, you know?"

Ryan nodded again. "That makes perfect sense."

"You don't have to sound so surprised."

"Heh. Sorry, it's just, you don't usually meet people who can go from random banana laughing to profound statements about relationships in a little less than 20 minutes."

Seth laughed. "I am like no other, Ryan. You should know that by now."

"I do," Ryan replied, his voice husky, his eyes focused on Seth's. Seth felt a shiver run down his spine, and his throat constricted slightly. "So, okay, let me ask you a question. Why the date?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why did you feel like you had to take me on a date?"

Ryan closed the top of his take-out box and set it in the basket. "I don't know. I didn't feel like I had to, I just…" Ryan reached out and took Seth's hand in his, staring at it, rubbing over the top of Seth's fingers with his thumb. Seth shivered again. "I wanted to. I mean, graduation is in a week, as you so eloquently pointed out at dinner. And this summer, you're going to be with your grandpa and I am going to be in Newport working for you mom, so I wanted to do something special. And alone." Ryan looked up at Seth. "I hope that's okay."

Seth leaned forward and kissed Ryan quickly. "It's very okay. And hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember."

Ryan looked at Seth. "Dashboard Confessional?"

Seth couldn't hide his surprise. "Very impressive."

"I do listen when you speak, Seth. Even when you speak for hours about bands I've never heard of. And I've listened to every mix CD and iPod playlist you've ever made me."

"Wow. I just—wow." Seth's grinned encompassed his whole face.

"Actually," Ryan said, leaning over and pulling something out of the basket. "I made this for you." He coughed quickly and thrust a CD cover into Seth's hands.

Seth looked down. On the plain white cover, the words _"You don't listen to music? That's weird"_ were scrawled in all caps, and then, in smaller letters below that, "A Mix for Seth, from Ryan."

"Ryan," Seth whispered, looking up at Ryan. "Thanks." He started to open the case to look at the track listing, but Ryan stopped him.

"Wait. Just listen." He took the cover from Seth and pressed play on the CD player. Soft piano chords floated from the speakers, and Seth broke into a huge grin. "Transatlanticism."

Ryan nodded. "Too cheesy?"

"No. Not at all. I would say that is the perfect amount of cheese." Seth smiled. "Wanna dance?"

Ryan smiled and leaned over Seth. "I was thinking maybe this time we could skip right to the kissing."

Seth smiled as he leaned back. "That's a good idea. I think I'll get fewer injuries that way, as well." He put his hand on the back of Ryan's neck and pulled him in for a long kiss. Ryan's tongue pushed against Seth's teeth, inviting itself inside, and Seth slid his hands up the back of Ryan's shirt as he laid back. Ryan shivered slightly as Seth ran his fingertips lightly down his back. Ryan slid his hand down to Seth's waist and untucked his shirt. Seth smiled and pulled away slightly. "You know what's better than a date with no ties, Ryan? A date with no shirts." Ryan smiled slightly as both boys sat up. Ryan unbuttoned his top three buttons and pulled his shirt over his head. Seth removed his sweater started unbuttoning his own shirt. Ryan reached over and unbuttoned Seth shirt for him, pushing it off his shoulders to reveal a well-worn t-shirt.

"How many shirts did you wear tonight, Seth?" Ryan asked, partly frustrated, partly amused.

Seth grinned sheepishly. "I like to be fashionably prepared for any event." He thought about telling Ryan that Summer told him once it was much better to dress in layers, but now, with Ryan tugging at the hem of his shirt, now was not the time to be talking about Summer.

Ryan pulled Seth's t-shirt over his head, and they sat facing each other in the moonlight.

"You know, I've seen you with your shirt off a hundred times before, not that like, I've counted or anything, but still, it's like I've never seen you before." Seth blushed slightly. "Is that stupid?"

Ryan shook his head, reaching out to trace a line with his fingertip from Seth's collarbone down his chest. "No," he said, looking at Seth. "It's not stupid." Ryan slid his hands around Seth's waist again, and they both leaned into the blanket, Seth wrapping his arms around Ryan. Seth's hands explored Ryan's naked back, and Seth sighed as Ryan kissed down his neck, Ryan's hands moving up his side, around his shoulder, and down his upper arm.

The Groping.

Seth swallowed hard, running his hands through Ryan's hair and Ryan kissed his collarbone, then lightly traced his tongue across Seth's shoulder. Seth turned on his side slightly, leaning into Ryan, pulling him closer, sucking Ryan's earlobe into his mouth. Ryan moaned quietly, pressing his fingers into Seth's back.

The Moaning.

Seth tried to push his anxiety out of his mind, concentrating on kissing Ryan's neck, and the warmth of Ryan's mouth on his chest. Ryan's tongue grazed Seth's nipple lightly, and the cold air against his neck as Seth gasped made him shudder slightly.

The Gasping.

"Ryan."

Seth pushed himself away slightly, and Ryan looked up. His eyes were hungry, and Seth had unfortunate _Dirty Dancing_/Patrick Swayze thoughts before clearing his throat.

"I, um…I mean, I—" he began, but he realized he has no idea what he wants to say.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked, moving away. Too far away.

"Yes, no, I mean, yes, I'm okay," Seth fumbled, pulling Ryan back against his chest. "I just…um, what exactly? I mean, how are?" Seth closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Are we having sex?"

"Not at the moment."

Seth opened his eyes to see Ryan smiling at him. "Okay, that's not exactly what I meant."

Ryan props himself up on one elbow. "What did you mean, Seth?"

"I meant, um, oh, God. Okay, see, here's the thing. I don't know a lot about the sex. I've only ever had sex with Summer, and I'm no expert, but I've seen enough episodes of Queer as Folk to know that sex with Summer and sex with you are two completely different things, and I'm a little nervous about the sex. Seeing as how I've never exactly done this kind of thing before. I'm nervous, which you should be able to tell from the seriously incoherent babbling. I'm nervous, and scared. I'm terrified of the sex."

Ryan frowned. "So, you don't want to have sex?"

"No, see, I didn't say that, Ryan. Because I do. Every part of me wants to have sex with you, some parts more than others, but I just—" Seth sat up, frustrated and embarrassed. "I don't know. I'm sorry. I should just learn to shut the hell up."

"Seth." Ryan sat up beside him, wrapping his arms around Seth's waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. "Don't say that. First of all, it could never happen," Seth felt Ryan grin, but he turned his head away, his cheeks burning red. "Secondly, I want to know what you're thinking, and feeling. That's important to me." Ryan kissed Seth's shoulder. "And it's not like I've ever done this before, either, Seth. This is new for both of us."

"Yeah, but you know way more about sex than I do."

"I don't know anything about sex with you, Seth. Except that it's not like any sex I've ever had. And not just because you're a guy." Seth turned to look at Ryan curiously. Ryan's cheeks flushed, and he rested his forehead on Seth's shoulder. "I love you, Seth."

Seth's heart was in his throat. He sat, staring at Ryan for a minute, then leaned forward and kissed the top of Ryan's head. "I love you, Ry," he whispered, and Ryan thought for a minute that maybe he imagined it, but when he looked up, Seth was smiling.

"That wasn't as scary as I thought it might be." Ryan said into Seth's shoulder. Seth laughed. "Look, we don't have to do anything tonight. We can go home, if you want."

"I didn't say that," Seth replied, leaning into Ryan's arms. "I just don't know if I'm ready for the sex yet." Seth closed his eyes again. "I am such a girl."

Ryan smiled. "No, if you were a girl, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Seth laughed, eyes still closed. "True. He opened his eyes and looked into Ryan's.


	13. Regret

So, wow. It's over. Thank you all so much for reading and commenting. I'm glad I got to share this with you! And, always and forever, mad crazy love to Sarah, who is, by far, the best beta EVER. Ever.

[gulp] Here goes...The End. Enjoy...

_I was upset you see,   
almost all the time.   
You used to be a stranger,   
now you are mine   
---  
I was a short fuse   
burning all the time.   
You were a complete stranger,   
now you are mine._

_--"Regret," The Get Up Kids_

_

* * *

_

"Hey, Kirsten?" Ryan poked his head into the living room.

"Yeah, honey?" Kirsten stood up and turned around. "Did you—" she stopped suddenly and looked as though she were about to cry.

"Kirsten?"

"I'm sorry, Ryan. You just look so handsome."

Ryan fidgeted uncomfortably with the neck of his gown. Kirsten walked over to him and enveloped him in a huge hug. When she pulled away, there were tears in her eyes. She laughed.

"I'm sorry. But at least if I get it all out now, I won't embarrass you later." She wiped her eyes and smiled. "Did you need something?"

Ryan handed her his cap. "I don't know…" he started.

She smiled again. As she tried to position the cap on his head, she looked at him.

"Ryan, I cannot tell you how proud we are of you. You have accomplished so much since you got here. I mean, you got a full scholarship to Berkeley. That's amazing." She paused as she stood back to admire her handiwork. "You're a wonderful young man, Ryan." She touched the side of his face lovingly. "We love you very much. I'm so glad you came to us."

Ryan tried to speak, but he knew that even if his heart weren't in his throat, he would never be able to thank her for all she and Sandy had done for him. They had given him a home, and a family, and a future. It was more than he could ever hope to express. Instead, he opted for another hug.

"I love you, too," he whispered, and again Kristen smiled through her tears.

-----------------------------------------

Upstairs, Sandy knocked on Seth's bedroom door.

"Hey, kid, you almost ready?" Sandy opened the door and stepped just inside to see Seth standing in front of his mirror, wrestling with his graduation cap.

Seth sighed in frustration and threw his hands to his side.

"The cap hates me. The cap wants me to suffer."

Sandy smiled. "It's the, what do you call it? Oh, the Jewfro. Graduation caps are anti-Semitic." He took the cap from Seth and positioned it perfectly on his head.

Seth checked his reflection in the mirror. "Thanks, Dad."

"You're welcome." Sandy paused. "Seth…" he began, but his voice faltered slightly.

Seth turned to face Sandy, wide-eyed. He expected an embarrassing blubbering scene from his mother, but this might be too much. Sandy smiled awkwardly. "Okay. Two, maybe three emotional comments, then we go back to the witty sarcasm. Deal?"

Seth nodded, and Sandy continued, clearing his throat. "Things have changed a lot since Ryan came to live with us. I feel like I've gotten to know you much better, and I just wanted to say that it's been an honor watching you grow up, being your father. I'm very proud of you, Seth, and I love you."

Seth could feel a lump rising in his chest to his throat, and he blinked rapidly. "That was actually four comments."

Sandy smiled again. "I owe you one." He hugged him, and Seth thought about Ryan, and the truth in his dad's words, and said another silent thank you.

"Guys! Let's go!"

Sandy patted Seth on the back as they walked down the stairs. Before Kirsten could say anything, Seth held up a warning finger.

"No. No crying, no gushing, no commenting on how handsome I look, and do NOT touch the hat."

Kirsten frowned, and Ryan and Sandy sort of tried to stifle a laugh.

"Fine. Then let's go. I don't want to be late."

Sandy grabbed the camera bag and walked past the two boys. "You heard the woman. Let's go." He followed Kirsten out the door.

Seth kissed Ryan quickly on the lips. "You look ridiculous," he whispered.

"Well, at least we match," Ryan replied, following Seth to the car.

-----------------------------------------

Most of the ceremony was a blur. Ryan tried to pay attention, because in addition to being one of those 'once in a lifetime' moments, it was also a 'I never thought I could make it this far' moments, and Ryan really wanted to relish it. After a while, though, Ryan's mind drifted to Seth, and spending the entire summer without him. He hadn't mentioned anything, and he was surprised that Seth hadn't been talking about Spain non-stop. Maybe Seth was just as conflicted about the summer and their time apart. Ryan's stomach tied itself into every nautical knot Seth had taught him.

Afterwards, Ryan smiled for pictures until his jaw hurt. Surprisingly, Marissa didn't flinch at the suggestion of a picture of the five of them together. Seth had squeezed his shoulder just as the camera flashed, and Ryan knew that picture would be his favorite.

Once they were back home, Ryan went out to the poolhouse to change for dinner. Kirsten and Sandy had opted, at Seth's insistent pleading, for a nice, quiet family dinner at home, as opposed to a huge, ridiculous party, and Ryan was grateful. He chose the same shirt and pants as he had worn on his date with Seth, and he knew Seth would notice and smile at him when no one was looking. Just as he was slipping on his shoes, there was a knock at the door, and he looked up to see Sandy waving at him from the other side of the glass. Ryan motioned for him to come in, and he did, closing the door behind him.

"Hey, kid. You look sharp."

Ryan smiled self-consciously. "Thanks."

"Kirsten wanted me to come down here and let you know that dinner is ready. And by that, of course, she means it has arrived. And everyone is here, so we're going to eat soon."

"Great. Let's go." Ryan walked towards the door, but Sandy didn't move.

"Ryan, I actually wanted to talk to you for a moment, if I could, before we join everyone else."

Sandy's voice was serious, and Ryan's stomach dropped. "Uh, sure, Sandy. What's wrong?"

Sandy must've recognized his serious tone, because he smiled and said lightly, "Nothing's wrong. I'm just not very good with public displays. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. When we met two years ago, I never imagined this is where we would end up, and I gotta tell you, I couldn't be happier. You brought big changes to this family—to the whole town, even—and not a day goes by that I'm not grateful for your presence in my life." Sandy smiled. "I would hug you, but I know you're not into that kind of thing, so instead, I'll settle for a handshake." Sandy held his hand out, and Ryan looked at it for a second before stepping forward and hugging Sandy. There was no way a simple handshake would ever convey what he was feeling.

When Ryan stepped away, Sandy looked surprised, and there might have been tears in his eyes. "Well, this day is turning out to be a lot more emotional that I had anticipated. Let's go eat, huh?"

Ryan nodded, smiling, and he knew his ears were turning red, but he didn't care. He had just graduated high school, and he was going to have dinner with his family, and he was in love, really in love, and things just couldn't get any better.

-----------------------------------------

"Can I have your attention, please?" Caleb clinked his fork against his water glass. Everyone stopped talking at looked at him, standing at the head of the huge table set up in the backyard. He smiled.

"This is a familiar scene, only this time, instead of celebrating a wedding," he paused and smiled at Julie, "we're celebrating a graduation. Similar events, though, in that they both signify the end of one life and the beginning of another, bigger and better than the one before. And, of course, there are presents." Everyone laughed quietly, and Ryan looked at Seth questioningly, but if Seth knew what was going on, his expression did not betray it.

"First, of course, my step-daughter, Marissa." Julie stood up next to Caleb and smiled at her daughter, and to her credit, Marissa gave her a genuinely happy smile. "Sweetie, we've been through a lot in the past few years," she began, her voice slightly faltering, "but I think we've made it through the worst. We love you very much, and we're very proud of you. We want you to have this." Julie handed her a large manila envelope, and when Marissa examined the contents, she looked up at her mother, mouth agape.

"Well, what it is?" Seth's question broke the silence.

"It's an itinerary. For an entire summer in Europe." Marissa stood up and walked over to her mother, hugging her. Julie smiled. "Yes, a parent free, stress free summer in Europe. Jimmy, Caleb, and I thought you might enjoy that." Marissa looked from her mother, to her father, to Caleb. "Thank you so much," she whispered as she rounded the table to hug her dad. She sat back down beside him, then, thinking better of it, stood and walked to Caleb, giving him a hug, as well. She sat back down, clutching the envelope to her chest.

Sandy stood up. "Okay, I guess it's our turn." Kirsten stood up and handed Marissa and Summer small, delicately wrapped boxes. "These are for you girls. Congratulations." Marissa opened the box and gently lifted a small pendant on a chain. "It's beautiful. Thank you." Summer fastened her own matching necklace behind her neck and smiled. "Thank you so much, Kirsten. It's beautiful."

Kirsten smiled. "You're welcome, both of you. My mother gave me a necklace just like that one when I graduated, and while I didn't think Seth or Ryan would appreciate the sentiment, I knew you two would." Each of the girls rose and hugged Kirsten and Sandy sweetly. When Sandy acted like he was going to sit back down, Seth cleared his throat loudly.

"Oh, that's right. I almost forgot." Kirsten hit him gently on the arm, and he grinned. "Okay, guys, you know we're not made of money—" Kirsten hit him again, smiling—"so you're going to have to share a present this time. Sandy pulled a very small box from his pocket. "Do we want to draw straws to see who gets to open it?"

Ryan laughed. "I think we'd better let Seth, before he explodes." Seth shot Ryan a look he had almost perfected, but Ryan just smiled. Seth took the box and shook it gently. "It's very small," he said, eyeing his parents suspiciously.

"Cohen, just open it," Summer snapped impatiently.

Seth lifted the lid of the small box and pulled out a key chain with a large key dangling from it. "Is this…?" Seth asked, his eyes wide.

"Yes, it is, son. Your very own key to the Range Rover." Kirsten elbowed Sandy again, and this time he held his side and winced. "What your father means is that it's a key for each of you, to your new RX8. We're going to pick it up tomorrow. You'll have to share, of course, but since you're rooming together, we didn't think it would be that much of a problem."

Seth flew out of his chair and over to his parents, hugging them tightly. "This is the coolest thing ever! Thank you so much." He looked at Ryan, grinning. "Dude, our own wheels. How cool is that?"

Ryan sat in his chair, eyes wide. It was very cool indeed. Sandy pulled Ryan's key out of the box and tossed it at him, and Ryan caught it instinctively, holding it out in his palm. He couldn't believe it.

"Now, Ryan, you will have to force Seth to share with you. He does have sixteen years of only child syndrome to overcome." Kirsten's voice was teasing, and she was beaming at him. He smiled a goofy, lopsided grin, and stood to hug them both.

"Okay, one more. I have something for my grandsons." Caleb's voice was loud enough to carry over the chatter, and Ryan noticed the 's' on the end of that word, and his heart fluttered a little. Seth noticed, too, and raised an eyebrow at Ryan.

"Since Seth already knows what his present is, we'll start with Ryan." Ryan shot Seth another look, but Seth just grinned.

"Now, it's no secret that I wasn't all that thrilled when Kiki and Sandy took you in," Caleb began, and Ryan knew it could go either way at this point. "But, over the past two years, I've watched you, and you're a remarkable young man. Your methods aren't always the best, but you're fiercely loyal, and I can respect that. In fact, I admire it." Ryan felt the tips of his ears getting red, and he couldn't believe Caleb was saying any of this. After dinner, he would discuss the possibility of an alien abduction with Seth.

"Kiki and Sandy told me that you got a full scholarship to Berkeley. Very impressive." Ryan felt his cheeks burning. "Kiki also told me you were thinking about becoming an architect. Therefore, I want you to have this." Caleb handed him an envelope. When Ryan opened it, he saw a check, made out to him, for more money than he could ever have imagined existed. "That should be enough to support you through your first year. We can't have you working all the time, and neglecting your schoolwork. If you're going to work for me, you're going to have to be the best." Ryan's face was burning, but he found the ability to stand and shake Caleb's hand. When he looked at Kirsten, she was still beaming at him. "Gotta keep the family business in the family, right?" She smiled warmly.

"Okay, now, Seth…as planned, here is your gift." Caleb handed Seth an envelope like Ryan's, but it was thick with paperwork. Seth opened it and flipped through it, grinning madly. When he noticed everyone looking at him, he announced, "It's a sailboat. A huge, gorgeous, amazing sailboat, upon which I will be traveling to Tahiti this summer. We leave tomorrow."

Seth smiled at Ryan, but Ryan's heart was in his throat. Tomorrow. Seth would be leaving tomorrow for, what, three months? He tried to return the smile, but couldn't. He heard Kirsten say, "Okay, now that's done, let's continue this celebration inside." and watched as everyone stood and made their way inside.

"You coming, Ryan?" Sandy clasped a hand on his shoulder.

"Um, actually, I think I'm going to take a walk. I'm a little…overwhelmed. I need a minute." Sandy smiled understandingly. "We'll see you inside later." He took a few steps inside. "Seth?"

"Uh, I'm going to intrude on Ryan's personal space a little, Dad," he replied, watching Ryan walk down towards the water.

"Okay. We'll see you guys in the morning. We're leaving early for the marina."

"Night, Dad!" Seth called, jogging to catch up with Ryan. When he did, he raced up beside him. "Hey, where you going?"

Ryan didn't turn, just kept walking. "I just needed a little air."

"Cool." Seth matched his pace with Ryan's, and put his hands in his pockets. "We shouldn't take too long, though, because we still have to pack."

Ryan stopped mid-step and turned to Seth. "What do you mean, pack?"

"We're leaving tomorrow. Didn't you hear me say that?"

"Well, yeah, but I just thought…I mean, I thought you and your grandpa would go."

Seth rolled his eyes. "Okay, first, I love my grandpa, but I'm not spending 84 days on a boat with him. I would die." Seth lowered his voice and stepped towards Ryan, taking his hand. "I'm also not spending 84 days anywhere without you." Seth smiled. "So, I was thinking, if you still have that map, you could navigate, and we could sail to Tahiti this summer."

Ryan blinked a few times, trying to sort out everything in his mind. So, basically, tomorrow morning he was sailing to Tahiti. With Seth.

"Yeah, that's pretty much it." Seth replied, and Ryan realized he had been talking out loud.

"I—I don't even know—" Ryan stopped and kissed Seth, wrapping his arms around his waist. Seth leaned into him, curling his fingers in Ryan's hair.

The whole summer, alone, on a boat with Seth, sailing to Tahiti. Ryan couldn't think of a better way to spend a hundred days.

-----------------------------------------

The next morning, Seth came down the poolhouse early, before anyone was awake. He opened the door quietly, and locked it behind him. He crawled into bed beside Ryan, careful not to wake him. He lay there for a moment, watching Ryan sleep. It had been almost impossible keeping the sailboat a secret from Ryan since that afternoon he had picked it out with his grandpa, but he had wanted to surprise Ryan. He didn't know what his parents or grandpa thought about his decision to take Ryan to Tahiti, but he didn't really care. It's like his parents said, they were inseparable. Seth liked it that way.

Seth closed his eyes and tried to imagine what Ryan was going to look like on the beach in Tahiti, sun gleaming off his arms.

"What are you thinking about?"

Seth opened his eyes when he heard Ryan's voice, but he didn't stop smiling. He wondered if he had ever noticed how cute Ryan looked with bedhead.

"I was just imagining us on the beach in Tahiti."

Ryan returned Seth's smile. "I can't wait."

Seth leaned up and looked over Ryan's shoulder to the clock on the nightstand. "We should get up and get going. Mom and Dad will be up soon. They're driving us to the dock. You all packed?"

Ryan gestured to the duffel bag by the door.

"That's it? Man, I have, like, four bags."

"What's in them?"

"All the necessities. My iPod, batteries, sunscreen, tons of comics, a notebook in case I get inspired to work on the as-yet-nonexistent novel—"

Seth trailed off as Ryan kissed a line down his neck. "Are you planning on getting bored?"

Seth kissed Ryan's temple. "Nooo. But, I mean, let's face it. I have serious ADD issues. There's no way you can keep me occupied 24 hours a day for a hundred days. I'm just trying to be prepared."

Ryan trailed kisses down Seth's shoulder. "I could try," he said, looking up at Seth longingly.

Seth swallowed. "I might need to repack."

Ryan smiled. "Too late. We really do need to get going." He climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom. "I'm gonna grab a quick shower. I'll be right back."

Seth stood and tried to follow him. "You know, Ry, I could help. I wield a mighty loofah."

Ryan tried not to laugh. "Later. On the boat. Go pack your loofah."

Seth smiled and kissed Ryan quickly. "I'm gonna go get my stuff together. I'll see you inside."

As Seth walked towards the door, he noticed a small folded map lying on top of Ryan's bag. Picking it up, he smiled to himself as he unfolded it carefully. He had been right. It was great for ideas.


End file.
